We have all the time in the world.....

This is my first Blog post for a while as have had mucho mucho on my mind and mucho mucho going on in my life. I had two sessions with a counsellor- one fairly positive, one which was a waste of time- but regardless of that, my current wave of Depression seems to have decided to frack off for now and my anxiety is at a more acceptable and manageable level so that is all good!

Don't really want to go into details about my experiences with my counsellor but was a little perturbed when I mentioned how I once self-harmed by putting cigarettes out on my arms and he commented that sometimes self-harm can be a positive thing and have some benefits. Errm...forgive me if I'm wrong but surely you shouldn't be condoning self-destructive behaviour patterns or encouraging them? Also, in my first session, he talked about one event in my life that might have triggered the onset of depression and I replied that I thought it was more likely a cultimation of smaller events that had been no less damaging as couldn't single out a single event. He suggested we would look at this again then proceeded to try and blame everything on the pressures at work- this despite the fact that I explained that the pressure per se was nothing new and had always been a part of my job and that I considered it was something in me causing me to feel anxious not anything to do with what I do for a living. If it was down to my job, I would constantly be feeling anxious etc surely, not simply when I was having a bit of a bad time emotionally and mentally. But no, he was adamant it was only because of my job that everything was affecting me. He seemed to ignore the fact that I have been depressed in the past outside of my job simply because I have never seeked treatment until now. And because I was not suicidal or currently self-harming, he almost seemed dis-interested, making me feel as though I was wasting his time and making it all up...

Well, it certainly did something- it reaffirmed me that if I want to beat these waves of melancholy that besige me, I must do it on my own as he wasn't exactly a lot of cop! I know that as with all trades you must get good and bad mental health workers but this guy was a bit of a dick!

The good news is that I really feel better in myself without that prick's help and that, as it always does, my blue period has passed of it's own accord. So much for darn quacks heh??!!??

So anyway, yes am feeling better but am still reading tooo many books at once; I currently have MAO, GONE WITH THE WIND, BOOK 3 OF THE BAKER'S BOY TRILOGY and THE DRESDEN FILES BOOK 3: GRAVE PERIL on the go....Mao is heavy going so reading a little at a time and GWTW is this year's Babbling Books read-a-long whereby members can read the book a chapter or two a week and keep up with discussions as they read it. To be fair, am not enjoying it as much as last year's book, WILD SWANS, so have fallen behind but will catch up with the exploits of Southern belle Scarlett again at some stage....

Keep listening to one of my favourite albums ever at mo....GRAN TURISMO BY THE CARDIGANS; it has this eerie whistling at the very beginning that is the greatest start to an album ever and the whole thing is so chilled out. Easily their best album and constantly on my MP3 at mo....

Thats all for now, just wanted to give you all a quick update, until next time.....ciao ciao xxxxx

The post with no name......

It has been awhile since I last posted so thought I had better write something so y'all don't think I have given this whole Blog thing up! Went to the doctors and she basically had a chat with me and asked me some questions about symptoms I had exhibited and although I did not score high on any of the symptoms she asked me about, she did say that because the only one I didn't suffer from at all was trouble with sleeping patterns, that this was obviously indicative of something wrong. She reccommended me with a counselling session in about three weeks time and asked me if I was doing anything to alleviate symptoms of my depression. I asked her about Kalms and were they simply plaebos but she would not be drawn on that and simply answered that they are herbal and no more good or bad for you than drinking Cammomile tea which apparently is good for stress. The fact that I have been dealing with this alone for some time and had only now visited a professional indicated to her how brave I was but I confess I did feel a little like she was a tad condescending and wondered if she truly believed I was ill. To be fair to her, she did say to come back if I needed anyone to talk to before my counselling and that she could prescribe me Beta-Blockers if I thought them nessecary but, for now, I turned them down...

That was last week and I thought by taking the Kalms regulary that they might be working a little and helping me de-stress a little at work. But these last two days off, have felt very tense and emotional and had some of the worst mood swings I have had for awhile- blowing little things out of all proportion more than I would normally. Is this a side-effect of the Kalms? I don't know. Is this just the depression rearing it's head to let me know it's stil here? That too is an option but I am startiong to consider going back for the Blockers the doctor said she would prescribe. Mrs.Sparky says wait and see how my session goes with counsellor but I am not sure how much good talking will do and am a little sceptical. On the other hand, do I really want to be taking prescription meds? That could be a downward spiral from which it could be difficult to turn back- I am sure it would not make a big difference to the rest of the world but I am reluctant to go down this route and part of me would rather welcome the counselling. At any rate, I am nearly out of Kalms so have bought something else from herbal shop called Quiet Life which apparently do a similar thing to Kalms in that they help with anxiety. Will see if they make any difference as they have some similar but some different properties.

Work is very hard at minute and finding it hard to cope and money is tight and have been putting off something that might bring a little more in even though I know I shouls sit down and do it. It involves claiming back some bank charges on the grounds that I am in financial trouble. The sooner I do it, the sooner I can maybe get a bit of money- others have done it and if you can prove you are in dire straits, most banks will pay up. Have been feeling unmotivated at mo though so that is why haven't done it also been concentrating on trying to break through this depression I am under. The ironic thing is that that might help and yet still I feel too lethargic and uninspired to do it. I will try to do it after I fginish this entry perhaps though I also wanmt to take Emilie over to the swings. Some quiet time before I leave for work at 3 pm may be just what the doctor ordered and if nothing else, it will put a big smile on my daughters face as she has not been over to our local swings yet this year because of bad weather on my days off or been too wet!

I am currently reading THE TERROR BY DAN SIMMONS for those are interested. It is about the lost Franklin expedition in 1845 to the Arctic where both ships, The Erebus and The Terror, become locked in ice and slowly they begin to run out of food when it becomes apparent that much of the tinned goods they brought with them is putrid. After two years being trapped in this desolate waste-land, something begins picking off the Crew members; emerging from the ice, sleet and snow to snatch able seamen and carry them off only to return parts of their bodies, or in one case a head, almost like trophies. It is an awesome book and very chilling and one of the best books I have read in a while. I would seriously reccommend it.....Am not even half way through and I am impresed by what I have read.

That is all for now......will update shortly xxxxx Sparky xxxx

One small step for sanity, one big step for Sparky.....

So, been a strange couple of days again for me with lots of ups and downs. But I have finally decided to take a big, brave step and consult my local G.P about dealing with my depression. Considering how I have been dealing with this now for most of my adult life on my own, this is quite a significant and important step for me to take. Once I had made the decision, it felt good that I had taken positive action at last to tackle this head on rather than just trying to deal with it and cope -though Monday was kind of a bad day for me as I had major anxiety and got more than a little stressed out at work. It seems to me that the older I get, the harder I am finding my illness to cope with without support and, where once I used to be able to handle the intense pressures of my job and in fact used it as a distraction from what went on inside, now it just seems to add to my problems.

Had some very supportive messages from friends following my decision; two of them followed the same lines. Namely that if you broke your arm or had an ulcer, you would seek medical advice and get it sorted -you wouldn't expect a broken arm to heal on it's own. Just because depression, however minor yours might be compared to other people's afflication, is inside your head, this doesn't make it any less real or serious. That is a very true statement and one that helps me feel more comfortable about my decision though there have been a few times when I have thought about cancelling the doctors' as I don't want to waste anybody's time. This is how it works....you feel a little better and your inner voice says " See, nothing wrong- you're just imagining it and don't need to see any stupid quack!" But then, if I cancelled the appointment then I know next week I would turn around and regret it!! Even if it is a waste of time and she doesn't do anything for me, at least I have taken some sort of positive response. I am in two minds as to what I want her to suggest at any rate. Have heard about and witnessed the side-effects of some Anti-d's (they can cause you to perspire in some cases or have night sweats) and have been told by several people how they can make you feel detached from reality as though you were watching your life rather than paticipating in it but I also know at least two people for whom they have had a postive influence on their lives. And then, if she reccommends I go talk to somebody, how will I feel about that? Me, who finds it extremely difficult to talk about myself- who also writes a very open and public Blog for anyone and his pet sheep to read.....hmmmmmm

Have had one slightly more negative message off of an aquaintance of mine through Facebook, whom I have known for years who shall remain nameless and who basically sent me a message saying I should buck my ideas up and pull myself together and that I should probably get a life. I don't think she likes the whole Blog thing and how I have advertised and imported it onto my Facebook and have been so open and frank to anyone who wants to read this. But that's down to her. I also think she only read what she wanted to read as she seems to have got the impression that this whole funk I am in right now has been brought on by work and the stress building up there. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear but the stress at work isn't helping matters but in no means is it causing it. This whole low feeling that I am experiencing right now is something I have dealt with off and on for years and if I could just "snap out of it", I probably would. This is someone who has, it would appear, obviously never experienced true depression or the whole sense of despondency that goes with it. I don't blame her and it is a very common misconception and attitude to share. But the whole thing about feeling like this is you know it is counter-productive and you know it is illogical and irrational and yet still you cannot pull yourself out of the hole you feel like you are dwelling in. It is akin, I suppose, to being in quicksand and not being able to pull oneself out. I would love to feel happier but you cannot just press a switch; synapses in my brain are mis-firing and this is causing a chemical reaction which I cannot control. I think Mrs.Sparky was more annoyed about it than I was; even she finds it hard to totally understand but has seen enough of it through me to get a limited picture. Kind of like a bad line drawing of an animal; with guidance you can tell what it is but you cannot see what the artist sees. I just found it amusing that, after all the support and advice I have gotten off my online friends and people I have met both in the on-line community and in the real world, that I have finally experienced the kind of stigma that this sort of illness can produce in people. To be fair, this person has a reputation for being blunt and personally I am not offended in any way and take it for what it is; a slightly ignorant perspective obtained through a lack of common experience.

I am still touched by the words of one paticular person,who again shall remain anonymous, " I am very much like you in suffering the ups and downs that depression causes especially at this time of year and I feel that nobody really understands when I try to explain....... after reading some of things you wrote I realise I am not alone in the way I feel about different things". See, that is what keeps me writing this Blog....the fact that through this I have reached out and touched somebody and, without intending to, have offered and recieved a kind of reassurance that they (I) am not on our own!

I have had almost constant positive feedback since I started this Blog and if it is a bit miserable at the moment, then I'm sorry! But you don't HAVE to read it do you..? As another Sparkette told me recently..."write for you and if the people who read it dont like it then tough! its a blog not a work of fiction!"

I did think after recieving the negative message that maybe I should remove the Blog export off Facebook and restrict who reads this and make it less accessible.....but then I thought, "No - to hell with that, I am not writing anything I don't want to share and I want it in the public domain where people can see it!"

But from now on, for everything negative I write, I am going to try and write something positive even if it's only a dodgy joke so be prepared for Sparky's warped sense of humour at times.....

Here's one of my favourite jokes of all time just to prepare you for what sort of thing you might be able to expect for those of you who might not know me quite so well....

Three guys are discussing the night before after a night on the razz. One guy says "I was so drunk last night, I wet the bed." His mate says "I was so drunk, I wet the bed in the spare room where my sister-in-law was sleeping over!!"
The last guy says "I was so drunk, I blew Chunks!"
His two mates go, "That's nothing we often throw up when we're drunk!"
The last guy says "No you don't understand- Chunks is the name of our dog!"

Bdoom..tish!

More from me later...earlier....well something anyway xxxx Sparky

I'm still here you know!

Just a quick update to let everyone know I am still here and Blogging....I've not yet given up the ghost! Actually I've been reluctant to post because I didn't feel I had a lot to tell you. Felt a bit anxious Monday but more because it was so hectic at work than anything else, and had almost convinced myself to go and see my G.P but then thinking iut over since, have had second thoughts again. A couple of friends (whom I didn't know were on pills) have confessed to taking Anti-d's and have shared their experiences in private. One said they help with her panic attacks but that she never feels like her "old self" anymore and another said that life now is like watching your reflection in a dirty window. You can see yourself doing stuff but it is like you are always detached from it and that it almost feels as though you could be watching someone else's life. But that she is calmer inside. I am not sure if I want to be like that and it convinces me a little bit that I am strong enough to face things on my own but then, when I feel like I did last Friday, I do not feel strong enough and know I should seek professional help if only for a chat and some advice. I am still firmly on the fence right now but will make a descision in due course. Think I have enough else to deal with at mo....

My excema has come back on my chest a little; due no doubt to stress at work! The doctor said last time that that was what probably aggravated it though it runs in my family through my dad so I am genetically pre-disposed towards skin conditions. Don't even get me started on my sister who has had excema, soriosis, asthma and god alone knows what else during her lifetime. We don't exactly get on but you have to have a bit of sympathy for everything she has had to put up with!

The Third Chef who was leaving- well he's leaving on Friday!! He hasn't told me anything and everything I have heard has been mostly through hearsay though I don't know why it's such a big secret and why he avoids the subject. He is going to be a taxi driver instead!

I spoke to the Head Chef and he thought I already knew which is why he didn't say anything to me before. Apparently TC didn't even tell him in person, he saw the owner's son and talked to him, gave him his notice and HC only found out when the manager came in and said to TC "What's this?" branding his notice. He has not even given 4 weeks as he agreed with the owner's son that he could go earlier- this despite the fact that we are short-handed and extremely busy!

I will give you an example- we are doing between the hours of 12-4, anything from 170 ppl for lunch onwards EVERY DAY!!!!! Some days it is more than that! Plus functions!!
It is near imossible to keep up with all the veg prep and mis-en-place that is needed as it is and now there is talk that they will not actively seek to replace TC just yet when he goes next week!! We are so busy because of this £3.50 carvery deal we run daily mon-sat 12-6. Plus we are now delivering roast dinners to ppl's door in a new delivery service and that is taking off! I strongly suspect that we will be doing 6 day weeks soon but I am damned if I am going to do the long days I have been doing until now!! You can end up doing anything up to a 12 hour shift with only the smallest of breaks! Monday I worked from 9 in the morning until 10.30 at night and got little over an hour off in afternoon.This was because it was soo busy and we were getting low on veg prep and if I hadn't have stayed in afternoon we would have begun running out. Plus the new a la carte menu starts every monday (it is changed slightly on a weekly business) so have to do prep for that or we will get in the poop. It is very hard at minute so it is no wonder I am getting het up and stressed out!! With TC gone that leaves me, HC, Martin Abernathy who is okay but neither the most responsible or capable chef in the world and a young commis called Ross who is only 16!! The head chef from our sister hotel is supposed to be coming down to supervise, see where we can manage more effeciently and help us cope next week but, from all accounts, he is a bit blunt and am not sure I will get on with him! Also I am thinking he might get a bit of a shock when he sees how busy we are....

Right gotta go get my lunch ready!! I have to leave just after 11 as my shift today starts from 12-finish. Which will be around 10.30-ish again. Another long day and next week might be my last week of 2 and a 1/2 days off for awhile so have that to look forward to too!!

Grrrrrrr I hate my job sometimes but y'know, sometimes I do love it too or else I wouldn't still be doing it after 15 years!!

Sparky going bye-bye....wa wa waaaaaaaah!!

Don't believe the hype....

Just signing in to give you a bit of an update on today and let you all know that I'm feeling a bit happier now than I was earlier...thats the problem with my...well, I don't like to call it depression but I guess thats what it is when you break it down....it comes in waves -breaking on the shores of my sub conciousness and leaving a wash of emotions before dissapating, leaving me to deal with the flotsam and jetsam left behind. Or something....

Actually if I felt like I did earlier all the time, I would probably be more worried and inclined to do something about it but now I feel more like the old Sparky again and it is as though this morning's Blog entry never happened. Re-reading it, I am almost tempted to erase it except I remember something my best friend Sarah told me when I used to Blog on MYSPACE. She said I should not delete my posts if they came from the heart and were heartfelt. Or something like that anyway, I'm paraphrasing cos I don't remember the exact words but the sentiment was the same!

Which reminds me to say a big thankyou to two of my friends who read this today and texted me with kind words because they were worried about me. Trust me theres nothing to worry about, Sparky just gets like that sometimes. But I do appreciate the thought and you don't know how much it meant to read your messages when I finished work tonight.

Like I said, work was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated tonight. Actually it was pretty much okay and thats about as good as it gets at the minute!! I had to make profiteroles and HC made a comment about what nice profiteroles they were and I know it's only a small thing but that comment actually made me feel a bit good about myself and gave me a little boost of confidence. You see it really is the little things that make the difference sometimes.

Feeling much more optimistic and upbeat than I was earlier and it is almost as if that was a different person; it's like I have more than one person inside of me- bright, witty, confident Sparky and dark, miserable, depressed Sparky who sees the bad in everyone and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel and even if he could see the light, it would probably only be a train coming to smush him anyway....

Anyway, this is me.....back to normal and feeling happy again. Thankyou, all of you, for listening to me whinge and hope you all have a good nights sleep....

For tomorrows another day, and who knows what tomorrow will bring......


HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To end....

Just wanted to quote some lyrics from one of my favourite Guns n Roses' songs, Dead horse, which kind of sums up how I feel at mo....meant to put it in my last post but here goes...

"Sick of this life, not that you care..
You're not the only one,
With whom these feelings I share.
Nobody understands
Quite why we're here....
We're searching for answers
That never appear.
And maybe if I looked real hard,
I'd...I'd see you trying too...
Trying to understand
This life we're all going through..."

Sometimes it does indeed feel like I'm floggging a dead horse...

I hate this part right here...

Around this time for the last couple of years, I find myself getting quite down. Is that coincidence, part of an ongoing condition or just a result of circumstance- I don't know but it always seems to come around in the early part of the year. Thought I had avoided it this year but here it comes around once again! Work is getting to me, theres this whole speeding thing and I just find myself worrying constantly about money. We have a bit of debt going on but I know there are people worse off than me and yet that doesn't really help. But it's not just that, not just a cultimation of things going on in my life right now, it's more than that- a malaise in myself that darkens my waking thoughts.

At times like this, I think of my uncle who killed himself a few years ago and though I would never do anything like that because I saw how it affected mum's family (shock, anger that he could be so selfish then a sense of loss that they could have helped if only he had turned for help from someone), still I wonder how desperately low he must have felt to take such a drastic act. And I wonder if it's in my genes to share that feeling of utter despair and whether I will ever be able to just enjoy a year where I don't feel like this and can be happy!

Some people have suggested to me before now that I see my G.P but, to me, that would be like admitting I can't cope and would seem like failure. And what would I say "I feel a bit fed up at the mo..." - I am sure that is the case for a lot of people. It is worse on a Friday because I start work at 4 and I know my two days off are gone and all I can do is reflect on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. Also I am here on my own, just me and Ems and I know that at 4, I will be giving her over to her mum when she finishes work and not get any real chance to spend any time with my wife until tonight when I get home and when all I wanna do is just chill out for a few hours before I have to go back to work in the morning.

I find reading helps me find distraction and escape but it is when you put your book down that the reality of your own life hits you like a speeding juggernaut! The book I am reading at the moment is JOURNAL by HELEN BERR about a young jewish girl living in occupied France who thinks that her family are safe because they are well respected until she and her family are rounded up, taken to a concentration camp and executed. It is a true-life diary and perhaps not the most happiest thing to read but at least I can look at her life and reflect on my own in comparison. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I am never going to be hoarded into a cattle cart with hundreds of others and driven to my death in the gas ovens. By comparison to this, my own problems and personal considerations pale into insignificance. Oh boo-hoo-hoo, Sparky's life is so harsh; it makes me so angry that I feel this way and yet I don't have any control over my emotional state of being. It is like part of me is outside looking in and trying desperately to break some logic into this thick skull of mine and yet part of me too, feels as though I am in a cage and the walls are closing in and all I want to do is scream and release the pressure.

I am sorry- this is being quite frank and open today isn't it? And I know Mrs.Sparky will read this and not know what I have been feeling lately but I cannot talk about it very easily in real-life. And yet it is easier to talk about it and disscuss it here on-line. Last year I turned to some friends on a forum I visit that spefically deals with such issues. This year I want to avoid that, not because it didn't help but because I only really visit there when I am feeling low and I feel a tad guilty that I am not on there being the smiling, laughing Sparky I am everywhere else.

I guess I'll just start dropping a few Kalms and do what I always do. Just get on with it....but it is hard sometimes and I REALLY REALLY hate the anxiety I feel when Friday comes around. All I can do now is glance at the computer clock and think "An hour and a half till I have to leave...." Though I know work will probably not be as bad as I think it will be in my head, still I find myself just wanting to run away and hide somewhere. I think that must be my fight or flight instinct.

I've just got to keep taking each day as it comes and know that, hopefully, in a few weeks all this will pass and I will feel more my old self again. And I have Mrs.Sparky and Emilie so life cannot be all bad can it? I have a couple of friends who are single and who have bad luck in relationships so at the very least, at least I have some comfort in knowing I am don't have to deal with this on my own . I do have someone in Mrs.Sparky that I can turn to...I do not think I tell her enough sometimes how much she and Emilie mean to me and I know I don't appreciate either of them enough...

Right thats enough meandering.....back to reality...

SEE you later Aligator..... Sparkymarky, eternal optimist, signing oot....