Interview.....with myself?

One of the things that I want to do as both a writer and Editor at J.Ellington Ashton Press, and as a keen Blogger too, is perhaps do a series of Author Profiles in which you, the reader, can learn a bit more about some the people behind the books you read. My good friend, muse and joint founder of the Press, Catt Dahman, came up with a series of questions the other night while we were talking and I thought it only fair that if I expect others to answer them that I first go under the spotlight. So, without further ado, please welcome.....MARK WOODS!

Interviewer:"Hi Mark, please take a seat."

Mark Woods: "Err, there aren't any seats. This is a virtual room that

only exists for abstract purposes on my Blog and in the imagination of the reader...." 

Interviewer:"Well...um ...stand then? (This is going REALLY well so far, goddamn author types - they're SUCH divas....) Anyway, let's start with some easy questions..."

                           *****

Author: Mark Woods

Books/SS: Several short stories that include UP ON THE ROOF; HAND BUILT BY ROBOTS; COLD HANDS, WARM HEART; DAIRY OF THE DEAD (no typo); TIME OF TIDES; LET IT SNOW and several pieces of short Flash Fiction. Currently working on my first full length novel, ZOMBIE EVERAFTER and a joint collaboration on a Vampire novel with six other authors. Links to author pages and websites and Amazon page: All my short stories and the anthologies they are in can be found here: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mark-Woods/e/B00F5ZCMAG/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_11?qid=1382973066&sr=1-11

What genre(s) do you write in and why? Horror, Sci-Fi, Fantasy - basically any genre that inspires me. I don't like to be restricted and if I have an idea, I wait to use it in the right context.

What is TIME OF TIDES about both on the surface and down deep? On the surface it is kind of a monster tale featuring fishy threats to a family travelling down the Norfolk Broads trying to escape flooding and severe weather conditions. Deeper down, it is a look at a possible explanation for Global Warming with just a hint of Lovecraftian Lore thrown into the mix...and will be available soon - plug plug!

Interviewer: "Okay that's enough of shameless plugs!"

What inspired this? A group of authors at J.E.A were all asked to do fish stories with a nasty twist and I thought I can do that! I started brainstorming, came up with several elements I wanted to use, came up with an opening segment and went from there with no idea where it would take me!

  

What is difficult for you as a writer? Being original and finding a new angle of looking at things. It is okay to be inspired by something else but you need to then make that idea your own and not do what has been done before! For example, in my Zombie story UP ON THE ROOF, I had several different and unique concepts that I wanted to throw in which I used right at the end just when you thought you knew kind of where the story might be going in order to leave the reader thinking after the story was done.

What is the best part about being a writer? The satisfaction of seeing my name in print. That is all. For so long I wanted to be a writer but never did anything about it then one lady said "Write something" and I did. Then I wrote something else. Then I thought hold a minute, I have a novel idea. No two. No three.... and I began work on the first while I continued  with my short fiction to help get my name out there.

 What advice do you have for new writers? There are lots of helpful pieces of advice out there. One is try to write everyday. With my hectic life, that isn't always possible but I am stricter with myself than I used to be now I have seen results. Another important thing is to write even when you are not in the mood because you may come up with a germ of an idea but not get the details right. You can change the details later in self-edits!

Finally believe in yourself! It IS a cliche but if you don't believe in yourself, how is anybody else going to? I have had a couple of rejections outside of JEA and that is fine because I know my Editors believe in me and want me to keep going. But even if you don't already have a Press you can go to, keep slogging on because if you are good someone will take note and want to publish you at some stage as long as YOU believe you are good. Writing is 95% perspiration and that's not just writing. That's making the effort to put yourself out there! Never be afraid to ask for professional advice either from a rejection. A good Press will say this is why you are not suited to us at this time, try doing this with your manuscript...

What writer(s) inspire you and why? Stephen King, Richard Laymon, Catt Dahman, Robin Hobb. If a book provokes an emotion then it is a memorable experience!

 

What book(s) do you wish you have written? Stephen King's IT, simply because of the legacy it invokes. The town of Derry and Pennywise the clown still feature in many of King's other novels as though the author is reminding you they will never go away and will always be there at the back of your sub-conscious. Also Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas because it chokes me up every time at the end. Or Marcus Zusak's The Book Thief, another book that makes me cry every time!

Do you write for yourself or for readers? Both because if I wouldn't want to read it, why should I write it?

What is difficult/frustrating about writing or being a writer? Being rejected after all the hard work you have put into a story. Finding time to write.

How is your writing evolving? I think it is getting better every day but then you would have to ask my fellow Editors about that! I think I have started out a little raw but am learning to slowly refine my art, my writing to a point where I am comfortable having other people read it. My biggest fear is someone I know reading something I wrote and just going 'no, it's shit!'

 

What work of yours was enjoyable to pen? My work-in-progress, Zombie Everafter is lots of fun to write. I don't want to give anything away because I am playing my cards a little close to my chest with this one but it is intended as a very different Zombie tale set in a familiar land with characters you might know...

What 3 words describe your writing? Fresh, speculative, chilling

  

Do you like to write a series or stand alones?  My short fiction at the mo tends to be stand-alones but Dairy Of The Dead is set in the same universe as Up On The Roof though it is difficult to say how far along in the timeline...my intention is to tie things loosely together in my books in the same way as Paul.F.Wilson does with his Secret History Of The World series or King does with The Dark Tower and it's influence.

Do you outline and plan or wing a book? Both. I start with a plan and start writing, I often know elements and ideas I am going to use but not where they will turn up. Sometimes, as with Time Of Tides, the story goes its own way and all I can do is direct it and steer it to the course it wants to take.

How do you begin a novel? With a basic idea. I go 'what if this happened...' and then extrapolate outwards. I then think about characters and how they fit in. I often have deleted scenes in my head which I save for later should I choose to expand the idea into a novel. Up On The Roof may well expand into a larger novel at some point as I have scenes in my head I never used in that story...

Will you be prolific? I hope so. As long as people WANT to read my fiction, I shall write it. If I feel I have nothing more to say, I will stop. Some writers don't, they keep going and going and this is to their detriment as they begin to alienate long-time fans.

What is your goal? To see a full length novel by myself in print. I have one anthology in print so far with my name in and seeing that makes me feel good!

Which books have been grueling to write? Time Of Tides was a bitch to write until I just let it do what it wanted. Until that point I was fighting it. It is currently in edits so I am waiting to see if I need to make any changes....

Interviewer: "Well, thank you Mark Woods. That was very insightful I think. You can stop talking to yourself in the Third Person now."

Mark Woods:  "My pleasure. And thank you for having me."

Interviewer: " The interviews over now. Don't milk it...."

How not to drive.....

A couple of quirky news stories have caught my eye the last couple of days, both concerning cars and examples of bizarre driving behaviour. First today I saw this on the Orange home page:-

• 15 June 2011, 12:34

Woman drove car down staircase

A Chinese woman drove her car down a shopping mall staircase after following signs to the car park.

Xiang Zhen said she saw a parking sign with a direction arrow in the mall in Liuzhou, southern China's Guangxi Province.

But when she followed it, she found herself stuck halfway down a staircase that was clearly not designed for cars.

"I saw a sign overhead saying 'car park' so I drove under it, but the road instantly plummeted and became so bumpy," said Xiang.

Local trader, Xie Xiangrong, who has a stand under the stairs, said: "I heard a loud noise, and when I looked up, a car was driving down towards me.

"I ran for my life down the stairs with several other shoppers."

Xiang left her car on the stairs and called a local breakdown company to winch her car back onto solid ground.

The mall has admitted the sign should not have been there and is in talks with Xiang over compensation.

Then, yesterday, I saw this:-

• 14 June 2011, 11:56

Car packed inside van - sideways

Police in Germany were stunned when they pulled over a white van - and found a car packed on its side in the back.

Two men from Kazakhstan had decided to save on a trailer cost after snapping up the silver Mazda 626 to ship back home.

When the car didn't fit in the van the proper way up - the two men called a few pals and loaded it in on its side - putting a mattress underneath to stop the doors getting scratched.

The trip back home for Konstanty Krol, 38, and Cezar Chmielewski, 28, came to an end when police stopped the heavily laden vehicle after seeing it lurching from side to side in Bargthheide, Germany.

Konstanty told the German Herald newspaper: "I don't know why we were stopped - we had taken great care to get the car into the van. It was safe - we hadn't noticed any problems.

"It is a long way back to Kazakhstan with petrol prices as they are it would have been too expensive to drive the Mazda back. We didn't have a trailer, but it fitted perfectly into Cezar's white van."

A police spokesman said the van and the car were confiscated and the men ordered to return with a proper transporter for the car before they would be allowed to continue the journey.

The spokesman added: "It was bizarre. I have no idea how they got the car into the van as it would have been very heavy. Amazingly the car didn't have a scratch on it - even though it had been rocking from side to side in the van.

"Nevertheless we cannot allow dangerous loads on our motorway. It was a danger to other road users as well as themselves. The van could have toppled over at any time."

And who says the news can't be fun?

The 7 undeadly sins.....

I just wanted to congratulate a couple of fellow Bloggers for their excellent contributions to the 7 Reasons website which is very, very funny! 

 Basically it is a Site where two friends come up with a series of lists of 7 Reasons why something is or isn't a good idea with hilarious results. For example, please check out this: http://7reasons.org/2010/08/26/7-reasons-that-lampshades-are-stupid/ 

7 Reasons why Lampshades are stupid! If this doesn't amuse you, I don't know what will! 

Have you tried perhaps the T.V series, Come Fly With Me? Starring Matt Lucas and David Walliams instead? You haven't......best not then, it really isn't that funny!

A fair debate....

Just to say, I did try to find comedy posters of the other Political Partys but they seem strangely absent! There's not even any poking fun at the B.N.P that I could see,,,,very disappointing!

That is, until I visited B3ta.....

Vote None Of The Above....

So, it's Election day and I'd thought I'd have a little fun with some comedy campaign posters I have found posted on the net! You may have seen some of these already, but I found them rather amusing!! Please note, this in no way indicates who I am voting for...it's just that Cameron's Campaign posters have great comedy value!!

Now if Party Political campaigns were more like this below, then I would be more inclined to know who to vote for! This is what we need to bring in all of those people who don't bother to go to the polls! We need to Sex things up a bit! If Politicians looked more like this first image, then loads of blokes would vote in their millions!! Yes, it's sexist; yes, it's chauvinistic but yes, we all know it's also true! But don't worry, I haven't forgotten you girls...wouldn't you be more inclined to vote for a particular Political Party if your candidate looked like the second image below...?

Random ingredient of the day .....brought to you in association with Haribo and Wikipedia!

Whilst eating a bag of Haribo Maom mix the other day, kindly donated to me by my wife, I had occassion to peruse the ingredients list and came across something I have often seen listed in such sweets that is called Carnauba Wax. Puzzled as to the true nature of this afore mentioned ingredient, I decided to look it up. This was the result:

"Carnauba, also called Brazil wax and palm wax, is a wax of the leaves of the palm, Copernicia prunifera, a plant native to and grown only in the northeastern Brazilian states of Piauí, Ceará, and Rio Grande do Norte.^[1] It is known as "queen of waxes"^[2] and usually comes in the form of hard yellow-brown flakes. It is obtained from the leaves of the carnauba palm by collecting them, beating them to loosen the wax, then refining and bleaching the wax. Carnauba wax contains mainly esters of fatty acids (80-85%), fatty alcohols (10-16%), acids (3-6%) and hydrocarbons (1-3%). Specific for carnauba wax is the content of esterified fatty diols (about 20%), hydroxylated fatty acids (about 6%) and cinnamic acid (about 10%). Cinnamic acid, an antioxidant, may be hydroxylated or methoxylated.

Carnauba wax can produce a glossy finish and as such is used in automobile waxes, shoe polishes, dental floss, food products such as sweets, instrument polishes, and floor and furniture waxes and polishes, especially when mixed with beeswax and with turpentine. Use for paper coatings is the most common application in the United States. It is the main ingredient in surfboard wax, combined with coconut oil.

Because of its hypoallergenic and emollient properties as well as its shine, carnauba wax appears as an ingredient in many cosmetics formulas where it is used to thicken lipstick, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow, foundation, deodorant, various skin care preparations, sun care preparations, etc.^{[citation needed]} It is also used to make Cutler's resin.

It is the finish of choice for most briar tobacco or smoking pipes. It produces a high gloss finish when buffed on to wood. This finish dulls with time rather than flaking off (as is the case with most other finishes used.)

In foods, it is used as a formulation aid, lubricant, release agent, anticaking agent, and surface finishing agent in baked foods and mixes, chewing gum, confections, frostings, fresh fruits and juices, gravies, sauces, processed fruits and juices, soft sweets, Tic Tacs and Altoids.

Though too brittle to be used by itself, carnauba wax is often combined with other waxes (principally beeswax) to treat and waterproof many leather products where it provides a high-gloss finish and increases leather's hardness and durability.

It is also used in the pharmaceutical industry as a tablet coating agent.

In 1890, Charles Tainter patented the use of carnauba wax on phonograph cylinders as a replacement for a mixture of paraffin and beeswax.

When used as a mold release, carnauba, unlike silicone or PTFE, is suitable for use with liquid epoxy, epoxy molding compounds (EMC) and some other plastic types. Carnauba wax is compatible with epoxies and generally enhances its properties along with those of most other engineering plastics.

An aerosol mold release is formed by suspending carnauba wax in a solvent. This aerosol version is used extensively in molds for semiconductor devices. Semiconductor manufacturers also use chunks of carnauba wax to break in new epoxy molds or to release the plunger when it sticks.

Carnauba is used in melt/castable explosives to produce an insensitive explosive formula such as Composition B, which is a blend of RDX and TNT."

Hmmm...yummy. Enjoy your Haribo folks!

A little thought....

So comedian Jason Mandford has this joke he tells about how he can prove that getting kicked in the balls hurts more than giving birth! He theorises that if you kick a guy in the balls, he doesn't turn around a couple of years later and ask you to do it again. A woman, however, gives birth after hours and hours of excruciating labour then turns around a few years later and says "how about we try for another baby?" I think the evidence speaks for itself!

Unfortunately, women on the whole don't seem to see the funny side of this little witticism......

Especially if they've been pregnant!!

Ooopsy daisy...I did it again....

Sometimes I do think I am a very bad man...in the last few days, one of the receptionists at work (whom we all call Posh Robot for reasons I will not go into here, they being so trivial as to not warrant mention) has been given the old heave-ho; the boot; the sack. Has, in fact, essentially had her working career at The Hotel terminated with pretty extreme prejudice. Now I played no part in her removal from the system (before anyone even thinks of pointing the finger anywhere near my general direction) but I did kind of gloat about it on Facebook in my Status. And that is why, folks, I am a very bad man.....

To be fair, in these or any other times, no one really deserves to get the boot and I am perfectly sure she was a nice enough person deep down inside but the crux of the matter, the thing of it is..... she REALLY got on my swede! Annoying is not a good enough adjective to describe just how frustrating the woman was ~ mainly because, in point of fact, she was very shit at her job. She just couldn't cope, constantly got all flustered and had a very negative impact on me whenever she made the mistake of entering my presence simply because she had the ability to wind me up without even starting to speak to me! There are two people I really could not bear or stand to be around at The Hotel and she was the other one; the first being a potwasher known colloquially as Crazy Dave or CJD for reasons that are apparent within approximately five seconds of you meeting him. Trust me, this is not a guy you want within 500 miles of either your kids or anyone elses for that matter! If I could just get rid of him as well, then my working enviroment would have the potential to be a much happier place.

I am not saddened by the passing of she who was Posh Robot and will not miss her presence in the slightest but do consider that putting as my FB Status: "R.I.P Posh Robot; you may not be dead but you are gone and soon hopefully will be forgotten!" was maybe, just a little bit, unnessecarily cruel and indeed harsh. But it was funny and it did get a lot of comments and, after all, life isn't fair so if she did happen to see it and read it...well, the sooner she learns that lesson the better.

This is not an apology, I might add, but more in way of a confession. I am not a Catholic and share few (if any) of their views but wonder if perhaps there might be some simple penance I could make in way of absolution......one things for sure, my comments on FB obviously do not sit well with my New Year's Resolution ~ to try and be more tolerant and nicer to others ~ of whom I had both Posh Robot and CJD in mind when I made it. Still what importance do New Year's Resolutions exactly hold anymore anyway...?

At least I didn't promise to change in any significant way (theres no chance of that happening any time between now and The Day Of Judgement); my Resolution was meant merely as a means of adjusting my existing personality, tweaking it if you will, to try and make me a slightly better person. But am I so bad? I may be a tad naughty at times but I will always be Sparkymarky at heart and nothing I do or say is meant with any venom.

It's just that certain people annoy me and if theres one thing I am short of, it is patience with incompetents! I am not known for suffering fools gladly and that is something that is never going to change.....no matter how many Resolutions I make.

And yes, before you say it, I do know that none of us are perfect.....it's just that as a human race, we are by our very nature judgemental. And thats why some of us will never get along despite any best intentions.....

We're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo......

Just a short update to let you all know that I haven't yet given up on my Blog. This despite the fact that many of the others I follow have temporarily fallen by the wayside. I guess everyone else is just too busy at mo actually living their lives rather than writing about them but thats no bad thing I suppose.

Work is still shit and there is a lot of politics etc flying around as well as generous doses of paranoia and caution but we are almost back up to strength in the kitchen with two new chefs; David and Bon Jovi Roy. I call him Bon Jovi Roy both because his name is Roy (not Earl) and he is a Bon Jovi obsessive. Now I like Bon Jovi but not too the extent of this guy! Still we have similar tastes in films, music etc so looks like we are going to get on pretty well. The other chef, David Fox, seems okay as well so thats all good!

Yesterday we went to Colchester zoo (pics to follow) with Mrs.Sparky's best friend Bex, her husband Sean, their two boys and Bex mum and dad. Almost the same crowd we went to LegoLand with. It was a good day out and lots of fun and was a real shame when we had to come home. As usual the worst part of it all was the journey ~ though it took the same time approx to get home as it did to get there, I was driving on way home and it always seems to take longer when it starts to get dark! Emilie was made up and didn't stop smiling all day and took a real shine to Bex ~ constantly wanting to hold her hand! It will be good when we move back to Norwich next year and are closer to them all!

As always, leaving in the morning to get there yesterday was the usual circus it always ends up being! Mrs.Sparky always says we will leave by such and such a time but always takes longer in the bathroom than she intends to. I say "I thought we were leaving by such and such a time" so she always says "yes, but I told you that so that we could leave at so and so a time instead because you are never ready when I want you to be." She then proceeds to moan that I am not ready and haven't got my shoes on yet! To which I normally reply "Well, there was no point in my getting ready as I didn't know how long you were going to be." I then have to rush around, getting myself ready and we end up leaving later not just than when we said we would but also than the time Mrs.Sparky had intended which was twenty minutes later than what she originally said! Yesterday, we had an added complication because Mrs.Sparky didn't want to use the SATNAV with its annoying female voice so had printed off directions that didn't seem to make any sense and didn't seem to start from our house. I was then blamed even though she was driving and should've familiarised herself with where we had to go before we set off because I was supposed to be the navigator. I had an idea how to get to Colchester from ours but was so busy trying to sort out the directions that I am sure we ended up on the correct road via the long way round! Still we got there in the end and thats all that matters even if we did miss one turning because we were both too busy talking and had to cut back on ourselves. Its a good job we never have to go on an Artic expedition!! We'd probably end up in the Antartic instead....

And that would probably be my fault too!

B3TA ate my hamster....redux

Recently the website B3TA had another of their regular image challenges, the theme of which this time was movie mash-ups. Here are a selection of my favourites...

I also would like to point out that only two people have responded for my request for questions so far which either suggests that only two people are currently reading my Blog, which is fine by the way ~ I don't mind being ignored, or that you are all a bunch of uninventive and unimaginative bastards who can't come up with anything even remotely funny or interesting to ask me. Which is also fine, because it just proves that a} either I am the most intelligent of all of you or that b}I am that boring that none of you really care what I think anyway and you are only reading this because it means you don't want to do any work in the office and it'll kill 5 mins or so before you go hunting down more of those really unfunny and tiresome E-mails to forward round the office. Y'know the ones that always seem to do the rounds even though everyone has probably seen them like a million gadzillion times before and never found them funny in the first place.

Oh and to Kendie and Ann Nonymous.....I WILL respond to your questions, I even have the answers all prepared and ready in my head, I just can't be bothered right now. But I promise, I will publish the answers in my next Blog which will probably be next week on my week off. I have some new ideas for my Blog next week so keep 'em peeled folks! Till then...ciao and thank frak that HC is back from his holiday this week so I don't have to be in charge anymore....

If you go down to The Woods today....

Well, it is over a month since last Blogged so thought I had better get my arse in gear and update everyone who reads this ~ and there are more of you than I could have imagined as I am discovering that more and more people I know are reading this which is only a good thing. Work has not changed that much of late ~ a new chef due to start didn't turn up last week but we have got a couple of Kitchen Porters just starting; one of whom is a Geordie and very good so far in that he helps with veg prep and carving when we need him too and puts his colleagues to shame with how swiftly he gets things done in comparison! His name is Ed and every time I talk to him, I find myself developing a Geordie accent in my head! Sunday just gone, I worked my arse off with a thirteen hour non-stop shift in chronic heat and felt absolutely knackered monday and tuesday even though monday was very, very quiet. By tuesday night, I felt as though my feet were going to kill me they hurt so much! I am not sure how much longer I can keep doing this but there is nothing else about at minute and believe me I am trying. The Agencies I joined have sent my C.V to a few places apparently but they are about having as much result as a chocolate teapot!

Wednesday, decided to go to beach and thought I would visit Sheringham as went to Cromer a few weeks ago with just me and Emilie (Mrs.Sparky works wednesdays) and we had a great time building sand castles etc...unfortunately, after spending some time in town, we got down to beach to find there is no sand at Sheringham- it is all stones! Looks like they have been put there artifically as a sea barrier kind of thing but sure it was not always like that! Mind~ though I have been to Sheringham a few times over last couple of years, I have not really been down to their beach since I was ickle. By that time it was too late to move over to nearby Cromer and still get back in time for Emilie's tea so found a sandy kids play area and we played in that for a while instead! Still not the same!

Thursday, yesterday, 13 of us went to Legoland in Windsor. Pictures will be on FB soon and will post a few on here also! It was amazing but a very expensive day out even though we only paid half price for the tickets thanx to Mrs.Sparky's best friend who works for a well known burger chain and got us vouchers from their most recent promotion! There were only three kids ~ Emilie and Mrs.Sparky's best friend's two boys ~ and the rest of us were all grown-ups. It was a lot of fun and I even went on several rides which is unlike me! There was a log flume ~ which we went on twice because the first time it broke down while we were on it and we had to abandon~ a pirate ship, spinning tea-cups which left us very dizzy and giddy and a water barrel ride that spun you along some rapids and which gave me very wet feet and a wet arse! We took a picnic with us but they did this good thing with the drinks where if you bought a refillable cup for £4.90 then you got free soft drink refills all day which worked out very well!!

I think Emilie enjoyed it though it was a long day for her (and all of us) and we brought her back some Duplo which she has been playing with today. Bex (Mrs.Sparky's friend) suggested we do something similar again if we can get vouchers for somewhere else as we are all off thursdays who went yesterday so works out alright! That would be great as yesterday was a phenomenal day that really was just simply excellent!

The worst bit was the journey home ~ we got stuck in traffic coming out of Windsor, then stopped to feed Emilie and get some tea ourselves and so didn't get home till gone eleven. Nearly had an incident with the car too as once we reached Swaffham, I kind of switched off a bit thinking I know the way from here to home and ended up going wrong way cos not paying attention. Found myself on an unfamiliar road and Sat Nav told me to turn round and go back. Unfortunately in the dark and not knowing where I was, I didn't realise we were on a dual bit of road- luckily there was no harm done apart from a scare for Mrs.Sparky but it goes to show why you have to be a bit savvy with Sat Nav! I always took the piss out of these people who drove over cliffs because the Sat Nav directed them that way but in the dark and confused as I was, I nearly did a similar thing!! If the Sat-Nav hadn't told me to turn around, I would've kept driving till I found a way of turning back- it's no excuse but I was tired and had a long day so followed the Sat Nav blindly! Won't make that mistake again ~ that Sat nav is proving to be less than reliable on a few occassions now- it gets you where you want to go but sometimes tells you to take second exit at a roundabout when at a t-junction just as an example or tells you to stay left when it means take the slip-road on left off the motorway/ carriageway! It is often slightly less than clear at times but Mrs.Sparky paid for it so it's her loss!

Right, next thing I need to do is write a letter to my mate Sarah but will probs do that next week! Have not got that much to say because most of it is here and I know she reads this so don't need to repeat myself but it is sooo nice to recieve a hand written letter in the post and I sooo love it WHEN she writes to me so least I can do is return the favour. She'll need to text me her new address first though as she is moving to Leeds from Hull to start her new life training as some kind of social worker type. I think it will do her a whole heap of good and it must be very rewarding to think that you will be helping others and bettering their lives so hope she gets a lot out of it! GOOD LUCK SARAH!

Right that really is it now- will try not to leave it so long next time...laters ~ I will try not to be a stranger! SPARKYxxxxx
,

B3TA ate my hamster....

Just had to post this piccy that someone had photo-shopped on B3TA the other day as it made me chuckle...WARNING:DO NOT VISIT B3TA IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED AS SOME (MOST) OF THE HUMOUR IS VERY ADULT AND/OR JUVENILE/ PURILE!

Funnies.....

Sparky's snow creations.....2009

These are my two snowmen that I created on Friday afternoon before my shift began @ 4pm with the limited amount of snow I had available to me at the time. Above is my interpretation of a Snow Snail, namely because there appears to be an animal theme running through a lot of people's snowmen this year and I wanted to create something a tad different!! Below is my pitful attempt at a snowman with whatever was left. it didn't help that the ground was very wet so the snow started to take on a dirty look from all the mud and grass in the garden!!

It was still snowing when I made these and Emilie stood at the patio doors wetting herself with laughter as she watched me. She thought it most hilarious to see daddy getting wet and cold whilst trying to create something out of hardly nothing. Both creations are still there tonight though my snowman's eyes have fallen out giving him a skeletal appearance with empty sockets and the Snail looks a little sad now.....well sadder than when he was first created if I'm honest!

Reading my Blog, I notice that I need to start lightening up my content because otherwise I am going to end up sounding like a whingey complainer who is never happy with his lot and thats not strictly true!! That said I have had feedback from a couple of my fans who know me from the Forums I visit who have commented that they appreciate my frank honesty and that my Blog is apparently "compelling reading!" So I am obviously doing something right if people are enjoying reading my inner most thoughts and observations!! Still I would like this Blog to be a bit lighter in tone but it is hard at mo with all the brown stuff flying around at work at mo- directed mainly towards any fans that happen to be operating at the time! The third chef is defenitely leaving and soon by all accounts- I haven't asked him but did some subtle digging today at work (it is amazing how many people open up to Sparky when he lets on he knows more than he does) and it seems to be common knowledge which is probs why I haven't been told outright; HC probs thinks I already know rather than omitting telling me to keep me out of the loop. This could drop us imn the kitchen right in the poo-poo- I just hope we get a new third chef soon as, that its someone who knows what they're doing and that they're not put off by how busy and manic it is at mo!!

Not getting into today but lets just say we got metaphorically anally violated again by how busy it was. This high turn-over of custom really is a double-edged sword- its good to be busy but we are all busting our balls in the kitchen at mo and it ain't even funny.

Still should be thankful just to have a job I suppose and don't want to apppear selfish but, Jesus -give us a break will ya?

Right no more shop talk.....Sparky's hitting the sack.....nighty nighty all you Sparkettes* out there!! xxxxx


(* A little thank you goes out to NOTBLONDEREALLY for coming up with this pet name for all my fans!! Sparky And The Sparkettes- don't you just love it!!)