Around this time for the last couple of years, I find myself getting quite down. Is that coincidence, part of an ongoing condition or just a result of circumstance- I don't know but it always seems to come around in the early part of the year. Thought I had avoided it this year but here it comes around once again! Work is getting to me, theres this whole speeding thing and I just find myself worrying constantly about money. We have a bit of debt going on but I know there are people worse off than me and yet that doesn't really help. But it's not just that, not just a cultimation of things going on in my life right now, it's more than that- a malaise in myself that darkens my waking thoughts.
At times like this, I think of my uncle who killed himself a few years ago and though I would never do anything like that because I saw how it affected mum's family (shock, anger that he could be so selfish then a sense of loss that they could have helped if only he had turned for help from someone), still I wonder how desperately low he must have felt to take such a drastic act. And I wonder if it's in my genes to share that feeling of utter despair and whether I will ever be able to just enjoy a year where I don't feel like this and can be happy!
Some people have suggested to me before now that I see my G.P but, to me, that would be like admitting I can't cope and would seem like failure. And what would I say "I feel a bit fed up at the mo..." - I am sure that is the case for a lot of people. It is worse on a Friday because I start work at 4 and I know my two days off are gone and all I can do is reflect on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. Also I am here on my own, just me and Ems and I know that at 4, I will be giving her over to her mum when she finishes work and not get any real chance to spend any time with my wife until tonight when I get home and when all I wanna do is just chill out for a few hours before I have to go back to work in the morning.
I find reading helps me find distraction and escape but it is when you put your book down that the reality of your own life hits you like a speeding juggernaut! The book I am reading at the moment is JOURNAL by HELEN BERR about a young jewish girl living in occupied France who thinks that her family are safe because they are well respected until she and her family are rounded up, taken to a concentration camp and executed. It is a true-life diary and perhaps not the most happiest thing to read but at least I can look at her life and reflect on my own in comparison. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I am never going to be hoarded into a cattle cart with hundreds of others and driven to my death in the gas ovens. By comparison to this, my own problems and personal considerations pale into insignificance. Oh boo-hoo-hoo, Sparky's life is so harsh; it makes me so angry that I feel this way and yet I don't have any control over my emotional state of being. It is like part of me is outside looking in and trying desperately to break some logic into this thick skull of mine and yet part of me too, feels as though I am in a cage and the walls are closing in and all I want to do is scream and release the pressure.
I am sorry- this is being quite frank and open today isn't it? And I know Mrs.Sparky will read this and not know what I have been feeling lately but I cannot talk about it very easily in real-life. And yet it is easier to talk about it and disscuss it here on-line. Last year I turned to some friends on a forum I visit that spefically deals with such issues. This year I want to avoid that, not because it didn't help but because I only really visit there when I am feeling low and I feel a tad guilty that I am not on there being the smiling, laughing Sparky I am everywhere else.
I guess I'll just start dropping a few Kalms and do what I always do. Just get on with it....but it is hard sometimes and I REALLY REALLY hate the anxiety I feel when Friday comes around. All I can do now is glance at the computer clock and think "An hour and a half till I have to leave...." Though I know work will probably not be as bad as I think it will be in my head, still I find myself just wanting to run away and hide somewhere. I think that must be my fight or flight instinct.
I've just got to keep taking each day as it comes and know that, hopefully, in a few weeks all this will pass and I will feel more my old self again. And I have Mrs.Sparky and Emilie so life cannot be all bad can it? I have a couple of friends who are single and who have bad luck in relationships so at the very least, at least I have some comfort in knowing I am don't have to deal with this on my own . I do have someone in Mrs.Sparky that I can turn to...I do not think I tell her enough sometimes how much she and Emilie mean to me and I know I don't appreciate either of them enough...
Right thats enough meandering.....back to reality...
SEE you later Aligator..... Sparkymarky, eternal optimist, signing oot....
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