It has been awhile since I last posted so thought I had better write something so y'all don't think I have given this whole Blog thing up! Went to the doctors and she basically had a chat with me and asked me some questions about symptoms I had exhibited and although I did not score high on any of the symptoms she asked me about, she did say that because the only one I didn't suffer from at all was trouble with sleeping patterns, that this was obviously indicative of something wrong. She reccommended me with a counselling session in about three weeks time and asked me if I was doing anything to alleviate symptoms of my depression. I asked her about Kalms and were they simply plaebos but she would not be drawn on that and simply answered that they are herbal and no more good or bad for you than drinking Cammomile tea which apparently is good for stress. The fact that I have been dealing with this alone for some time and had only now visited a professional indicated to her how brave I was but I confess I did feel a little like she was a tad condescending and wondered if she truly believed I was ill. To be fair to her, she did say to come back if I needed anyone to talk to before my counselling and that she could prescribe me Beta-Blockers if I thought them nessecary but, for now, I turned them down...
That was last week and I thought by taking the Kalms regulary that they might be working a little and helping me de-stress a little at work. But these last two days off, have felt very tense and emotional and had some of the worst mood swings I have had for awhile- blowing little things out of all proportion more than I would normally. Is this a side-effect of the Kalms? I don't know. Is this just the depression rearing it's head to let me know it's stil here? That too is an option but I am startiong to consider going back for the Blockers the doctor said she would prescribe. Mrs.Sparky says wait and see how my session goes with counsellor but I am not sure how much good talking will do and am a little sceptical. On the other hand, do I really want to be taking prescription meds? That could be a downward spiral from which it could be difficult to turn back- I am sure it would not make a big difference to the rest of the world but I am reluctant to go down this route and part of me would rather welcome the counselling. At any rate, I am nearly out of Kalms so have bought something else from herbal shop called Quiet Life which apparently do a similar thing to Kalms in that they help with anxiety. Will see if they make any difference as they have some similar but some different properties.
Work is very hard at minute and finding it hard to cope and money is tight and have been putting off something that might bring a little more in even though I know I shouls sit down and do it. It involves claiming back some bank charges on the grounds that I am in financial trouble. The sooner I do it, the sooner I can maybe get a bit of money- others have done it and if you can prove you are in dire straits, most banks will pay up. Have been feeling unmotivated at mo though so that is why haven't done it also been concentrating on trying to break through this depression I am under. The ironic thing is that that might help and yet still I feel too lethargic and uninspired to do it. I will try to do it after I fginish this entry perhaps though I also wanmt to take Emilie over to the swings. Some quiet time before I leave for work at 3 pm may be just what the doctor ordered and if nothing else, it will put a big smile on my daughters face as she has not been over to our local swings yet this year because of bad weather on my days off or been too wet!
I am currently reading THE TERROR BY DAN SIMMONS for those are interested. It is about the lost Franklin expedition in 1845 to the Arctic where both ships, The Erebus and The Terror, become locked in ice and slowly they begin to run out of food when it becomes apparent that much of the tinned goods they brought with them is putrid. After two years being trapped in this desolate waste-land, something begins picking off the Crew members; emerging from the ice, sleet and snow to snatch able seamen and carry them off only to return parts of their bodies, or in one case a head, almost like trophies. It is an awesome book and very chilling and one of the best books I have read in a while. I would seriously reccommend it.....Am not even half way through and I am impresed by what I have read.
That is all for now......will update shortly xxxxx Sparky xxxx