Wednesday, 12 October 2011

The law of the playpark........

I want to talk to you today, especially those of you who are parents, about a hidden threat that lurks in and around our childrens' play parks. That threat is not dirty needles, nor is it dog poo left behind by lazy owners to lazy to sully their hands with the excrement deposited by their perfect little darlings that are replacements for the children they were unable to or just never got around to having. No, today I want to talk to you about The Weirdies!

I'm not talking about potential Pedos', though they could justifiably fall into that category too but which thankfully I have yet to encounter, but instead the kind of people who hang around childrens' play parks for legitimate reasons and then feel the need or compunction to talk to you about totally random and useless shit! In the past few months, I have had two of these such people approach me so, although they are not necessarily overly prevalent, they do constitute a threat to something I like to call "Sparky's time of Peace and Quiet."

I go to the park to give myself a little break. Emilie can go off and  play by herself, or with friends if there are any over there, and the only time she really needs me is for pushing her on the swing, to which I am more than happy to oblige, or when she wants Daddy to go onto the roundabout until he gets dizzy which she finds most amusing! Other than that, I go over there to get ten minutes Peace and enjoy whatever book I am reading at the time. Not necessarily to talk.....and not about whatever random shit enters that little thing that Weirdies mistakenly call their brain but is instead an extension of their mouth!

First Example: we are at the park, me and Ems, just us enjoying our time out of the house in the fresh, beautiful air. She is happy playing, I am happy reading my latest Deathlands book. Along come two Council guys to empty the nearby bin at which point, the older of the two asks me what I am reading. Nothing wrong with that so I oblige him by explaining it is just a bit of pulp Sci-Fi, some random guilty pleasure that just kills a bit of time but which I nonetheless enjoy. So he then goes on to talk to me about how he enjoys Sci-fi (at which point, warning bells begin to sound...) and how his wife picks him up titles she thinks he will enjoy whenever she goes to CarBoot or the local Charity shops of which there is abundance in Dereham! Still nothing wrong there until he then starts going on about how he likes Sci-fi because "YOU JUST NEVER KNOW....SOME OF IT COULD BE VERY CLOSE TO WHAT'S REAL!!!"

He then goes onto talk to me for ten minutes about the possibility of Extra-terrestial life, visitors from other planets and how it is a big universe out there and surely there must be some intelligent life out there somewhere and who is to say they haven't visited us before, there's all those strange lines in the Aztec desert and that guy Daiken thought that God was an astronaut and then there's those markings on cave walls that look like aliens and.......BORING!

Now I'm all up for a philosophical discussion on the very nature of God and the possibility of alien life on other planets but NOT when I am at the park with my daughter please! There is a time and a place, it's called "down the pub", and I really don't want to be talking about this when I am enjoying some quiet time reading my book and watching my daughter have fun! But of course, I am polite so I just sit there and nod and smile until the weird man goes away to empty something else at which point I tell Emilie we are now going home and that if she really wants to play, we can come back later. Like maybe when the Weirdie has gone away. Worst thing is ~ the guy waves at me as we are leaving as if we are now suddenly acquaintances instead of me just being somebody random that the lonely man decided he wanted to talk to until that person lost the will to live!

I would have dismissed this as just an aberration but then a couple of weeks ago, I was accosted again!

This time it was a granddad who had come over with his wife and their grandchild. He started talking about how he had come down from Manchester or somewhere and how Norfolk was very pretty, very picturesque to which I agreed. He then started on about someone he knows in Holt who claims that the only problems she has in her little cafe is with the young people in the town and the so-called "feral youth!" Cue a lengthy discussion about the recent riots all around the country and how the "feral youth" were supposedly responsible. Except it wasn't just them! He has a friend on the Force down in London, a member of The Met no less, and he tells this guy about how most of the troubles down there were caused by blacks. And of course they get away with it because it is all P.C gone mad! I mean he doesn't mind them coming over here and settling down with our women and taking our jobs (and that, I think, is very considerate of him really don't you?) but why can't they just behave themselves? I mean they are more like animals than men and the "feral youth" don't know any better (because presumably they have never been shown the difference between right and wrong ever and are unable to exhibit any kind of restraint of course) and so get pulled into the whole thing by following by example. Blah blah blah, blah-de-blah blah!

What is it with these people that makes them think I actually give a shit? They see me with my daughter, think "oh look, there's a captive audience" and just start unloading. If you see me at the park with my daughter, don't start talking to me unless you have something to say worth listening to and just because I have a little girl, don't presume you can talk to me. If you're a Yummy Mummy or a Milf then I will quite happily talk about our children, what they get up to at school etc etc. Even if you are a fellow Dad, we can talk about our kids, exchange child-rearing tips whatever. But don't come up to me and start puking out random shit that I have no interest in whatsoever! I never had this when I used to go out on my own but now, not even just at the park, I have the most random people stopping and talking to me just because I am a dad. Frak off!! I am not the most social of people and really, there are days when I really could not give a shit what you think! So do one!

Jeez honestly what IS it with these people? Am I the only one? Surely not....surely some of you other mums and dads must have experienced this out there? It can't be just me who has encountered theseWeirdies who feel the need to start such mundane and pointless exercises in conversation can it?

Maybe it is just me, I don't know...all I really know is that when I am at the Park, it's my time alright? So just think before you approach me and do me a favour, if I'm reading ~ just let me be okay?


lots of love...Sparky xxxxx

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