So, been a strange couple of days again for me with lots of ups and downs. But I have finally decided to take a big, brave step and consult my local G.P about dealing with my depression. Considering how I have been dealing with this now for most of my adult life on my own, this is quite a significant and important step for me to take. Once I had made the decision, it felt good that I had taken positive action at last to tackle this head on rather than just trying to deal with it and cope -though Monday was kind of a bad day for me as I had major anxiety and got more than a little stressed out at work. It seems to me that the older I get, the harder I am finding my illness to cope with without support and, where once I used to be able to handle the intense pressures of my job and in fact used it as a distraction from what went on inside, now it just seems to add to my problems.
Had some very supportive messages from friends following my decision; two of them followed the same lines. Namely that if you broke your arm or had an ulcer, you would seek medical advice and get it sorted -you wouldn't expect a broken arm to heal on it's own. Just because depression, however minor yours might be compared to other people's afflication, is inside your head, this doesn't make it any less real or serious. That is a very true statement and one that helps me feel more comfortable about my decision though there have been a few times when I have thought about cancelling the doctors' as I don't want to waste anybody's time. This is how it works....you feel a little better and your inner voice says " See, nothing wrong- you're just imagining it and don't need to see any stupid quack!" But then, if I cancelled the appointment then I know next week I would turn around and regret it!! Even if it is a waste of time and she doesn't do anything for me, at least I have taken some sort of positive response. I am in two minds as to what I want her to suggest at any rate. Have heard about and witnessed the side-effects of some Anti-d's (they can cause you to perspire in some cases or have night sweats) and have been told by several people how they can make you feel detached from reality as though you were watching your life rather than paticipating in it but I also know at least two people for whom they have had a postive influence on their lives. And then, if she reccommends I go talk to somebody, how will I feel about that? Me, who finds it extremely difficult to talk about myself- who also writes a very open and public Blog for anyone and his pet sheep to read.....hmmmmmm
Have had one slightly more negative message off of an aquaintance of mine through Facebook, whom I have known for years who shall remain nameless and who basically sent me a message saying I should buck my ideas up and pull myself together and that I should probably get a life. I don't think she likes the whole Blog thing and how I have advertised and imported it onto my Facebook and have been so open and frank to anyone who wants to read this. But that's down to her. I also think she only read what she wanted to read as she seems to have got the impression that this whole funk I am in right now has been brought on by work and the stress building up there. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear but the stress at work isn't helping matters but in no means is it causing it. This whole low feeling that I am experiencing right now is something I have dealt with off and on for years and if I could just "snap out of it", I probably would. This is someone who has, it would appear, obviously never experienced true depression or the whole sense of despondency that goes with it. I don't blame her and it is a very common misconception and attitude to share. But the whole thing about feeling like this is you know it is counter-productive and you know it is illogical and irrational and yet still you cannot pull yourself out of the hole you feel like you are dwelling in. It is akin, I suppose, to being in quicksand and not being able to pull oneself out. I would love to feel happier but you cannot just press a switch; synapses in my brain are mis-firing and this is causing a chemical reaction which I cannot control. I think Mrs.Sparky was more annoyed about it than I was; even she finds it hard to totally understand but has seen enough of it through me to get a limited picture. Kind of like a bad line drawing of an animal; with guidance you can tell what it is but you cannot see what the artist sees. I just found it amusing that, after all the support and advice I have gotten off my online friends and people I have met both in the on-line community and in the real world, that I have finally experienced the kind of stigma that this sort of illness can produce in people. To be fair, this person has a reputation for being blunt and personally I am not offended in any way and take it for what it is; a slightly ignorant perspective obtained through a lack of common experience.
I am still touched by the words of one paticular person,who again shall remain anonymous, " I am very much like you in suffering the ups and downs that depression causes especially at this time of year and I feel that nobody really understands when I try to explain....... after reading some of things you wrote I realise I am not alone in the way I feel about different things". See, that is what keeps me writing this Blog....the fact that through this I have reached out and touched somebody and, without intending to, have offered and recieved a kind of reassurance that they (I) am not on our own!
I have had almost constant positive feedback since I started this Blog and if it is a bit miserable at the moment, then I'm sorry! But you don't HAVE to read it do you..? As another Sparkette told me recently..."write for you and if the people who read it dont like it then tough! its a blog not a work of fiction!"
I did think after recieving the negative message that maybe I should remove the Blog export off Facebook and restrict who reads this and make it less accessible.....but then I thought, "No - to hell with that, I am not writing anything I don't want to share and I want it in the public domain where people can see it!"
But from now on, for everything negative I write, I am going to try and write something positive even if it's only a dodgy joke so be prepared for Sparky's warped sense of humour at times.....
Here's one of my favourite jokes of all time just to prepare you for what sort of thing you might be able to expect for those of you who might not know me quite so well....
Three guys are discussing the night before after a night on the razz. One guy says "I was so drunk last night, I wet the bed." His mate says "I was so drunk, I wet the bed in the spare room where my sister-in-law was sleeping over!!"
The last guy says "I was so drunk, I blew Chunks!"
His two mates go, "That's nothing we often throw up when we're drunk!"
The last guy says "No you don't understand- Chunks is the name of our dog!"
More from me later...earlier....well something anyway xxxx Sparky