Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
One small step for sanity, one big step for Sparky.....
So, been a strange couple of days again for me with lots of ups and downs. But I have finally decided to take a big, brave step and consult my local G.P about dealing with my depression. Considering how I have been dealing with this now for most of my adult life on my own, this is quite a significant and important step for me to take. Once I had made the decision, it felt good that I had taken positive action at last to tackle this head on rather than just trying to deal with it and cope -though Monday was kind of a bad day for me as I had major anxiety and got more than a little stressed out at work. It seems to me that the older I get, the harder I am finding my illness to cope with without support and, where once I used to be able to handle the intense pressures of my job and in fact used it as a distraction from what went on inside, now it just seems to add to my problems.
Had some very supportive messages from friends following my decision; two of them followed the same lines. Namely that if you broke your arm or had an ulcer, you would seek medical advice and get it sorted -you wouldn't expect a broken arm to heal on it's own. Just because depression, however minor yours might be compared to other people's afflication, is inside your head, this doesn't make it any less real or serious. That is a very true statement and one that helps me feel more comfortable about my decision though there have been a few times when I have thought about cancelling the doctors' as I don't want to waste anybody's time. This is how it works....you feel a little better and your inner voice says " See, nothing wrong- you're just imagining it and don't need to see any stupid quack!" But then, if I cancelled the appointment then I know next week I would turn around and regret it!! Even if it is a waste of time and she doesn't do anything for me, at least I have taken some sort of positive response. I am in two minds as to what I want her to suggest at any rate. Have heard about and witnessed the side-effects of some Anti-d's (they can cause you to perspire in some cases or have night sweats) and have been told by several people how they can make you feel detached from reality as though you were watching your life rather than paticipating in it but I also know at least two people for whom they have had a postive influence on their lives. And then, if she reccommends I go talk to somebody, how will I feel about that? Me, who finds it extremely difficult to talk about myself- who also writes a very open and public Blog for anyone and his pet sheep to read.....hmmmmmm
Have had one slightly more negative message off of an aquaintance of mine through Facebook, whom I have known for years who shall remain nameless and who basically sent me a message saying I should buck my ideas up and pull myself together and that I should probably get a life. I don't think she likes the whole Blog thing and how I have advertised and imported it onto my Facebook and have been so open and frank to anyone who wants to read this. But that's down to her. I also think she only read what she wanted to read as she seems to have got the impression that this whole funk I am in right now has been brought on by work and the stress building up there. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear but the stress at work isn't helping matters but in no means is it causing it. This whole low feeling that I am experiencing right now is something I have dealt with off and on for years and if I could just "snap out of it", I probably would. This is someone who has, it would appear, obviously never experienced true depression or the whole sense of despondency that goes with it. I don't blame her and it is a very common misconception and attitude to share. But the whole thing about feeling like this is you know it is counter-productive and you know it is illogical and irrational and yet still you cannot pull yourself out of the hole you feel like you are dwelling in. It is akin, I suppose, to being in quicksand and not being able to pull oneself out. I would love to feel happier but you cannot just press a switch; synapses in my brain are mis-firing and this is causing a chemical reaction which I cannot control. I think Mrs.Sparky was more annoyed about it than I was; even she finds it hard to totally understand but has seen enough of it through me to get a limited picture. Kind of like a bad line drawing of an animal; with guidance you can tell what it is but you cannot see what the artist sees. I just found it amusing that, after all the support and advice I have gotten off my online friends and people I have met both in the on-line community and in the real world, that I have finally experienced the kind of stigma that this sort of illness can produce in people. To be fair, this person has a reputation for being blunt and personally I am not offended in any way and take it for what it is; a slightly ignorant perspective obtained through a lack of common experience.
I am still touched by the words of one paticular person,who again shall remain anonymous, " I am very much like you in suffering the ups and downs that depression causes especially at this time of year and I feel that nobody really understands when I try to explain....... after reading some of things you wrote I realise I am not alone in the way I feel about different things". See, that is what keeps me writing this Blog....the fact that through this I have reached out and touched somebody and, without intending to, have offered and recieved a kind of reassurance that they (I) am not on our own!
I have had almost constant positive feedback since I started this Blog and if it is a bit miserable at the moment, then I'm sorry! But you don't HAVE to read it do you..? As another Sparkette told me recently..."write for you and if the people who read it dont like it then tough! its a blog not a work of fiction!"
I did think after recieving the negative message that maybe I should remove the Blog export off Facebook and restrict who reads this and make it less accessible.....but then I thought, "No - to hell with that, I am not writing anything I don't want to share and I want it in the public domain where people can see it!"
But from now on, for everything negative I write, I am going to try and write something positive even if it's only a dodgy joke so be prepared for Sparky's warped sense of humour at times.....
Here's one of my favourite jokes of all time just to prepare you for what sort of thing you might be able to expect for those of you who might not know me quite so well....
Three guys are discussing the night before after a night on the razz. One guy says "I was so drunk last night, I wet the bed." His mate says "I was so drunk, I wet the bed in the spare room where my sister-in-law was sleeping over!!"
The last guy says "I was so drunk, I blew Chunks!"
His two mates go, "That's nothing we often throw up when we're drunk!"
The last guy says "No you don't understand- Chunks is the name of our dog!"
Bdoom..tish!
More from me later...earlier....well something anyway xxxx Sparky
Had some very supportive messages from friends following my decision; two of them followed the same lines. Namely that if you broke your arm or had an ulcer, you would seek medical advice and get it sorted -you wouldn't expect a broken arm to heal on it's own. Just because depression, however minor yours might be compared to other people's afflication, is inside your head, this doesn't make it any less real or serious. That is a very true statement and one that helps me feel more comfortable about my decision though there have been a few times when I have thought about cancelling the doctors' as I don't want to waste anybody's time. This is how it works....you feel a little better and your inner voice says " See, nothing wrong- you're just imagining it and don't need to see any stupid quack!" But then, if I cancelled the appointment then I know next week I would turn around and regret it!! Even if it is a waste of time and she doesn't do anything for me, at least I have taken some sort of positive response. I am in two minds as to what I want her to suggest at any rate. Have heard about and witnessed the side-effects of some Anti-d's (they can cause you to perspire in some cases or have night sweats) and have been told by several people how they can make you feel detached from reality as though you were watching your life rather than paticipating in it but I also know at least two people for whom they have had a postive influence on their lives. And then, if she reccommends I go talk to somebody, how will I feel about that? Me, who finds it extremely difficult to talk about myself- who also writes a very open and public Blog for anyone and his pet sheep to read.....hmmmmmm
Have had one slightly more negative message off of an aquaintance of mine through Facebook, whom I have known for years who shall remain nameless and who basically sent me a message saying I should buck my ideas up and pull myself together and that I should probably get a life. I don't think she likes the whole Blog thing and how I have advertised and imported it onto my Facebook and have been so open and frank to anyone who wants to read this. But that's down to her. I also think she only read what she wanted to read as she seems to have got the impression that this whole funk I am in right now has been brought on by work and the stress building up there. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear but the stress at work isn't helping matters but in no means is it causing it. This whole low feeling that I am experiencing right now is something I have dealt with off and on for years and if I could just "snap out of it", I probably would. This is someone who has, it would appear, obviously never experienced true depression or the whole sense of despondency that goes with it. I don't blame her and it is a very common misconception and attitude to share. But the whole thing about feeling like this is you know it is counter-productive and you know it is illogical and irrational and yet still you cannot pull yourself out of the hole you feel like you are dwelling in. It is akin, I suppose, to being in quicksand and not being able to pull oneself out. I would love to feel happier but you cannot just press a switch; synapses in my brain are mis-firing and this is causing a chemical reaction which I cannot control. I think Mrs.Sparky was more annoyed about it than I was; even she finds it hard to totally understand but has seen enough of it through me to get a limited picture. Kind of like a bad line drawing of an animal; with guidance you can tell what it is but you cannot see what the artist sees. I just found it amusing that, after all the support and advice I have gotten off my online friends and people I have met both in the on-line community and in the real world, that I have finally experienced the kind of stigma that this sort of illness can produce in people. To be fair, this person has a reputation for being blunt and personally I am not offended in any way and take it for what it is; a slightly ignorant perspective obtained through a lack of common experience.
I am still touched by the words of one paticular person,who again shall remain anonymous, " I am very much like you in suffering the ups and downs that depression causes especially at this time of year and I feel that nobody really understands when I try to explain....... after reading some of things you wrote I realise I am not alone in the way I feel about different things". See, that is what keeps me writing this Blog....the fact that through this I have reached out and touched somebody and, without intending to, have offered and recieved a kind of reassurance that they (I) am not on our own!
I have had almost constant positive feedback since I started this Blog and if it is a bit miserable at the moment, then I'm sorry! But you don't HAVE to read it do you..? As another Sparkette told me recently..."write for you and if the people who read it dont like it then tough! its a blog not a work of fiction!"
I did think after recieving the negative message that maybe I should remove the Blog export off Facebook and restrict who reads this and make it less accessible.....but then I thought, "No - to hell with that, I am not writing anything I don't want to share and I want it in the public domain where people can see it!"
But from now on, for everything negative I write, I am going to try and write something positive even if it's only a dodgy joke so be prepared for Sparky's warped sense of humour at times.....
Here's one of my favourite jokes of all time just to prepare you for what sort of thing you might be able to expect for those of you who might not know me quite so well....
Three guys are discussing the night before after a night on the razz. One guy says "I was so drunk last night, I wet the bed." His mate says "I was so drunk, I wet the bed in the spare room where my sister-in-law was sleeping over!!"
The last guy says "I was so drunk, I blew Chunks!"
His two mates go, "That's nothing we often throw up when we're drunk!"
The last guy says "No you don't understand- Chunks is the name of our dog!"
Bdoom..tish!
More from me later...earlier....well something anyway xxxx Sparky
Saturday, 21 February 2009
I'm still here you know!
Just a quick update to let everyone know I am still here and Blogging....I've not yet given up the ghost! Actually I've been reluctant to post because I didn't feel I had a lot to tell you. Felt a bit anxious Monday but more because it was so hectic at work than anything else, and had almost convinced myself to go and see my G.P but then thinking iut over since, have had second thoughts again. A couple of friends (whom I didn't know were on pills) have confessed to taking Anti-d's and have shared their experiences in private. One said they help with her panic attacks but that she never feels like her "old self" anymore and another said that life now is like watching your reflection in a dirty window. You can see yourself doing stuff but it is like you are always detached from it and that it almost feels as though you could be watching someone else's life. But that she is calmer inside. I am not sure if I want to be like that and it convinces me a little bit that I am strong enough to face things on my own but then, when I feel like I did last Friday, I do not feel strong enough and know I should seek professional help if only for a chat and some advice. I am still firmly on the fence right now but will make a descision in due course. Think I have enough else to deal with at mo....
My excema has come back on my chest a little; due no doubt to stress at work! The doctor said last time that that was what probably aggravated it though it runs in my family through my dad so I am genetically pre-disposed towards skin conditions. Don't even get me started on my sister who has had excema, soriosis, asthma and god alone knows what else during her lifetime. We don't exactly get on but you have to have a bit of sympathy for everything she has had to put up with!
The Third Chef who was leaving- well he's leaving on Friday!! He hasn't told me anything and everything I have heard has been mostly through hearsay though I don't know why it's such a big secret and why he avoids the subject. He is going to be a taxi driver instead!
I spoke to the Head Chef and he thought I already knew which is why he didn't say anything to me before. Apparently TC didn't even tell him in person, he saw the owner's son and talked to him, gave him his notice and HC only found out when the manager came in and said to TC "What's this?" branding his notice. He has not even given 4 weeks as he agreed with the owner's son that he could go earlier- this despite the fact that we are short-handed and extremely busy!
I will give you an example- we are doing between the hours of 12-4, anything from 170 ppl for lunch onwards EVERY DAY!!!!! Some days it is more than that! Plus functions!!
It is near imossible to keep up with all the veg prep and mis-en-place that is needed as it is and now there is talk that they will not actively seek to replace TC just yet when he goes next week!! We are so busy because of this £3.50 carvery deal we run daily mon-sat 12-6. Plus we are now delivering roast dinners to ppl's door in a new delivery service and that is taking off! I strongly suspect that we will be doing 6 day weeks soon but I am damned if I am going to do the long days I have been doing until now!! You can end up doing anything up to a 12 hour shift with only the smallest of breaks! Monday I worked from 9 in the morning until 10.30 at night and got little over an hour off in afternoon.This was because it was soo busy and we were getting low on veg prep and if I hadn't have stayed in afternoon we would have begun running out. Plus the new a la carte menu starts every monday (it is changed slightly on a weekly business) so have to do prep for that or we will get in the poop. It is very hard at minute so it is no wonder I am getting het up and stressed out!! With TC gone that leaves me, HC, Martin Abernathy who is okay but neither the most responsible or capable chef in the world and a young commis called Ross who is only 16!! The head chef from our sister hotel is supposed to be coming down to supervise, see where we can manage more effeciently and help us cope next week but, from all accounts, he is a bit blunt and am not sure I will get on with him! Also I am thinking he might get a bit of a shock when he sees how busy we are....
Right gotta go get my lunch ready!! I have to leave just after 11 as my shift today starts from 12-finish. Which will be around 10.30-ish again. Another long day and next week might be my last week of 2 and a 1/2 days off for awhile so have that to look forward to too!!
Grrrrrrr I hate my job sometimes but y'know, sometimes I do love it too or else I wouldn't still be doing it after 15 years!!
Sparky going bye-bye....wa wa waaaaaaaah!!
My excema has come back on my chest a little; due no doubt to stress at work! The doctor said last time that that was what probably aggravated it though it runs in my family through my dad so I am genetically pre-disposed towards skin conditions. Don't even get me started on my sister who has had excema, soriosis, asthma and god alone knows what else during her lifetime. We don't exactly get on but you have to have a bit of sympathy for everything she has had to put up with!
The Third Chef who was leaving- well he's leaving on Friday!! He hasn't told me anything and everything I have heard has been mostly through hearsay though I don't know why it's such a big secret and why he avoids the subject. He is going to be a taxi driver instead!
I spoke to the Head Chef and he thought I already knew which is why he didn't say anything to me before. Apparently TC didn't even tell him in person, he saw the owner's son and talked to him, gave him his notice and HC only found out when the manager came in and said to TC "What's this?" branding his notice. He has not even given 4 weeks as he agreed with the owner's son that he could go earlier- this despite the fact that we are short-handed and extremely busy!
I will give you an example- we are doing between the hours of 12-4, anything from 170 ppl for lunch onwards EVERY DAY!!!!! Some days it is more than that! Plus functions!!
It is near imossible to keep up with all the veg prep and mis-en-place that is needed as it is and now there is talk that they will not actively seek to replace TC just yet when he goes next week!! We are so busy because of this £3.50 carvery deal we run daily mon-sat 12-6. Plus we are now delivering roast dinners to ppl's door in a new delivery service and that is taking off! I strongly suspect that we will be doing 6 day weeks soon but I am damned if I am going to do the long days I have been doing until now!! You can end up doing anything up to a 12 hour shift with only the smallest of breaks! Monday I worked from 9 in the morning until 10.30 at night and got little over an hour off in afternoon.This was because it was soo busy and we were getting low on veg prep and if I hadn't have stayed in afternoon we would have begun running out. Plus the new a la carte menu starts every monday (it is changed slightly on a weekly business) so have to do prep for that or we will get in the poop. It is very hard at minute so it is no wonder I am getting het up and stressed out!! With TC gone that leaves me, HC, Martin Abernathy who is okay but neither the most responsible or capable chef in the world and a young commis called Ross who is only 16!! The head chef from our sister hotel is supposed to be coming down to supervise, see where we can manage more effeciently and help us cope next week but, from all accounts, he is a bit blunt and am not sure I will get on with him! Also I am thinking he might get a bit of a shock when he sees how busy we are....
Right gotta go get my lunch ready!! I have to leave just after 11 as my shift today starts from 12-finish. Which will be around 10.30-ish again. Another long day and next week might be my last week of 2 and a 1/2 days off for awhile so have that to look forward to too!!
Grrrrrrr I hate my job sometimes but y'know, sometimes I do love it too or else I wouldn't still be doing it after 15 years!!
Sparky going bye-bye....wa wa waaaaaaaah!!
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Don't believe the hype....
Just signing in to give you a bit of an update on today and let you all know that I'm feeling a bit happier now than I was earlier...thats the problem with my...well, I don't like to call it depression but I guess thats what it is when you break it down....it comes in waves -breaking on the shores of my sub conciousness and leaving a wash of emotions before dissapating, leaving me to deal with the flotsam and jetsam left behind. Or something....
Actually if I felt like I did earlier all the time, I would probably be more worried and inclined to do something about it but now I feel more like the old Sparky again and it is as though this morning's Blog entry never happened. Re-reading it, I am almost tempted to erase it except I remember something my best friend Sarah told me when I used to Blog on MYSPACE. She said I should not delete my posts if they came from the heart and were heartfelt. Or something like that anyway, I'm paraphrasing cos I don't remember the exact words but the sentiment was the same!
Which reminds me to say a big thankyou to two of my friends who read this today and texted me with kind words because they were worried about me. Trust me theres nothing to worry about, Sparky just gets like that sometimes. But I do appreciate the thought and you don't know how much it meant to read your messages when I finished work tonight.
Like I said, work was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated tonight. Actually it was pretty much okay and thats about as good as it gets at the minute!! I had to make profiteroles and HC made a comment about what nice profiteroles they were and I know it's only a small thing but that comment actually made me feel a bit good about myself and gave me a little boost of confidence. You see it really is the little things that make the difference sometimes.
Feeling much more optimistic and upbeat than I was earlier and it is almost as if that was a different person; it's like I have more than one person inside of me- bright, witty, confident Sparky and dark, miserable, depressed Sparky who sees the bad in everyone and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel and even if he could see the light, it would probably only be a train coming to smush him anyway....
Anyway, this is me.....back to normal and feeling happy again. Thankyou, all of you, for listening to me whinge and hope you all have a good nights sleep....
For tomorrows another day, and who knows what tomorrow will bring......
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Actually if I felt like I did earlier all the time, I would probably be more worried and inclined to do something about it but now I feel more like the old Sparky again and it is as though this morning's Blog entry never happened. Re-reading it, I am almost tempted to erase it except I remember something my best friend Sarah told me when I used to Blog on MYSPACE. She said I should not delete my posts if they came from the heart and were heartfelt. Or something like that anyway, I'm paraphrasing cos I don't remember the exact words but the sentiment was the same!
Which reminds me to say a big thankyou to two of my friends who read this today and texted me with kind words because they were worried about me. Trust me theres nothing to worry about, Sparky just gets like that sometimes. But I do appreciate the thought and you don't know how much it meant to read your messages when I finished work tonight.
Like I said, work was nowhere near as bad as I had anticipated tonight. Actually it was pretty much okay and thats about as good as it gets at the minute!! I had to make profiteroles and HC made a comment about what nice profiteroles they were and I know it's only a small thing but that comment actually made me feel a bit good about myself and gave me a little boost of confidence. You see it really is the little things that make the difference sometimes.
Feeling much more optimistic and upbeat than I was earlier and it is almost as if that was a different person; it's like I have more than one person inside of me- bright, witty, confident Sparky and dark, miserable, depressed Sparky who sees the bad in everyone and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel and even if he could see the light, it would probably only be a train coming to smush him anyway....
Anyway, this is me.....back to normal and feeling happy again. Thankyou, all of you, for listening to me whinge and hope you all have a good nights sleep....
For tomorrows another day, and who knows what tomorrow will bring......
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, 13 February 2009
To end....
Just wanted to quote some lyrics from one of my favourite Guns n Roses' songs, Dead horse, which kind of sums up how I feel at mo....meant to put it in my last post but here goes...
"Sick of this life, not that you care..
You're not the only one,
With whom these feelings I share.
Nobody understands
Quite why we're here....
We're searching for answers
That never appear.
And maybe if I looked real hard,
I'd...I'd see you trying too...
Trying to understand
This life we're all going through..."
Sometimes it does indeed feel like I'm floggging a dead horse...
"Sick of this life, not that you care..
You're not the only one,
With whom these feelings I share.
Nobody understands
Quite why we're here....
We're searching for answers
That never appear.
And maybe if I looked real hard,
I'd...I'd see you trying too...
Trying to understand
This life we're all going through..."
Sometimes it does indeed feel like I'm floggging a dead horse...
I hate this part right here...
Around this time for the last couple of years, I find myself getting quite down. Is that coincidence, part of an ongoing condition or just a result of circumstance- I don't know but it always seems to come around in the early part of the year. Thought I had avoided it this year but here it comes around once again! Work is getting to me, theres this whole speeding thing and I just find myself worrying constantly about money. We have a bit of debt going on but I know there are people worse off than me and yet that doesn't really help. But it's not just that, not just a cultimation of things going on in my life right now, it's more than that- a malaise in myself that darkens my waking thoughts.
At times like this, I think of my uncle who killed himself a few years ago and though I would never do anything like that because I saw how it affected mum's family (shock, anger that he could be so selfish then a sense of loss that they could have helped if only he had turned for help from someone), still I wonder how desperately low he must have felt to take such a drastic act. And I wonder if it's in my genes to share that feeling of utter despair and whether I will ever be able to just enjoy a year where I don't feel like this and can be happy!
Some people have suggested to me before now that I see my G.P but, to me, that would be like admitting I can't cope and would seem like failure. And what would I say "I feel a bit fed up at the mo..." - I am sure that is the case for a lot of people. It is worse on a Friday because I start work at 4 and I know my two days off are gone and all I can do is reflect on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. Also I am here on my own, just me and Ems and I know that at 4, I will be giving her over to her mum when she finishes work and not get any real chance to spend any time with my wife until tonight when I get home and when all I wanna do is just chill out for a few hours before I have to go back to work in the morning.
I find reading helps me find distraction and escape but it is when you put your book down that the reality of your own life hits you like a speeding juggernaut! The book I am reading at the moment is JOURNAL by HELEN BERR about a young jewish girl living in occupied France who thinks that her family are safe because they are well respected until she and her family are rounded up, taken to a concentration camp and executed. It is a true-life diary and perhaps not the most happiest thing to read but at least I can look at her life and reflect on my own in comparison. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I am never going to be hoarded into a cattle cart with hundreds of others and driven to my death in the gas ovens. By comparison to this, my own problems and personal considerations pale into insignificance. Oh boo-hoo-hoo, Sparky's life is so harsh; it makes me so angry that I feel this way and yet I don't have any control over my emotional state of being. It is like part of me is outside looking in and trying desperately to break some logic into this thick skull of mine and yet part of me too, feels as though I am in a cage and the walls are closing in and all I want to do is scream and release the pressure.
I am sorry- this is being quite frank and open today isn't it? And I know Mrs.Sparky will read this and not know what I have been feeling lately but I cannot talk about it very easily in real-life. And yet it is easier to talk about it and disscuss it here on-line. Last year I turned to some friends on a forum I visit that spefically deals with such issues. This year I want to avoid that, not because it didn't help but because I only really visit there when I am feeling low and I feel a tad guilty that I am not on there being the smiling, laughing Sparky I am everywhere else.
I guess I'll just start dropping a few Kalms and do what I always do. Just get on with it....but it is hard sometimes and I REALLY REALLY hate the anxiety I feel when Friday comes around. All I can do now is glance at the computer clock and think "An hour and a half till I have to leave...." Though I know work will probably not be as bad as I think it will be in my head, still I find myself just wanting to run away and hide somewhere. I think that must be my fight or flight instinct.
I've just got to keep taking each day as it comes and know that, hopefully, in a few weeks all this will pass and I will feel more my old self again. And I have Mrs.Sparky and Emilie so life cannot be all bad can it? I have a couple of friends who are single and who have bad luck in relationships so at the very least, at least I have some comfort in knowing I am don't have to deal with this on my own . I do have someone in Mrs.Sparky that I can turn to...I do not think I tell her enough sometimes how much she and Emilie mean to me and I know I don't appreciate either of them enough...
Right thats enough meandering.....back to reality...
SEE you later Aligator..... Sparkymarky, eternal optimist, signing oot....
At times like this, I think of my uncle who killed himself a few years ago and though I would never do anything like that because I saw how it affected mum's family (shock, anger that he could be so selfish then a sense of loss that they could have helped if only he had turned for help from someone), still I wonder how desperately low he must have felt to take such a drastic act. And I wonder if it's in my genes to share that feeling of utter despair and whether I will ever be able to just enjoy a year where I don't feel like this and can be happy!
Some people have suggested to me before now that I see my G.P but, to me, that would be like admitting I can't cope and would seem like failure. And what would I say "I feel a bit fed up at the mo..." - I am sure that is the case for a lot of people. It is worse on a Friday because I start work at 4 and I know my two days off are gone and all I can do is reflect on all the stuff I haven't gotten done. Also I am here on my own, just me and Ems and I know that at 4, I will be giving her over to her mum when she finishes work and not get any real chance to spend any time with my wife until tonight when I get home and when all I wanna do is just chill out for a few hours before I have to go back to work in the morning.
I find reading helps me find distraction and escape but it is when you put your book down that the reality of your own life hits you like a speeding juggernaut! The book I am reading at the moment is JOURNAL by HELEN BERR about a young jewish girl living in occupied France who thinks that her family are safe because they are well respected until she and her family are rounded up, taken to a concentration camp and executed. It is a true-life diary and perhaps not the most happiest thing to read but at least I can look at her life and reflect on my own in comparison. No matter how bad my life gets, at least I am never going to be hoarded into a cattle cart with hundreds of others and driven to my death in the gas ovens. By comparison to this, my own problems and personal considerations pale into insignificance. Oh boo-hoo-hoo, Sparky's life is so harsh; it makes me so angry that I feel this way and yet I don't have any control over my emotional state of being. It is like part of me is outside looking in and trying desperately to break some logic into this thick skull of mine and yet part of me too, feels as though I am in a cage and the walls are closing in and all I want to do is scream and release the pressure.
I am sorry- this is being quite frank and open today isn't it? And I know Mrs.Sparky will read this and not know what I have been feeling lately but I cannot talk about it very easily in real-life. And yet it is easier to talk about it and disscuss it here on-line. Last year I turned to some friends on a forum I visit that spefically deals with such issues. This year I want to avoid that, not because it didn't help but because I only really visit there when I am feeling low and I feel a tad guilty that I am not on there being the smiling, laughing Sparky I am everywhere else.
I guess I'll just start dropping a few Kalms and do what I always do. Just get on with it....but it is hard sometimes and I REALLY REALLY hate the anxiety I feel when Friday comes around. All I can do now is glance at the computer clock and think "An hour and a half till I have to leave...." Though I know work will probably not be as bad as I think it will be in my head, still I find myself just wanting to run away and hide somewhere. I think that must be my fight or flight instinct.
I've just got to keep taking each day as it comes and know that, hopefully, in a few weeks all this will pass and I will feel more my old self again. And I have Mrs.Sparky and Emilie so life cannot be all bad can it? I have a couple of friends who are single and who have bad luck in relationships so at the very least, at least I have some comfort in knowing I am don't have to deal with this on my own . I do have someone in Mrs.Sparky that I can turn to...I do not think I tell her enough sometimes how much she and Emilie mean to me and I know I don't appreciate either of them enough...
Right thats enough meandering.....back to reality...
SEE you later Aligator..... Sparkymarky, eternal optimist, signing oot....
Sunday, 8 February 2009
Sparky's snow creations.....2009
These are my two snowmen that I created on Friday afternoon before my shift began @ 4pm with the limited amount of snow I had available to me at the time. Above is my interpretation of a Snow Snail, namely because there appears to be an animal theme running through a lot of people's snowmen this year and I wanted to create something a tad different!! Below is my pitful attempt at a snowman with whatever was left. it didn't help that the ground was very wet so the snow started to take on a dirty look from all the mud and grass in the garden!! 
It was still snowing when I made these and Emilie stood at the patio doors wetting herself with laughter as she watched me. She thought it most hilarious to see daddy getting wet and cold whilst trying to create something out of hardly nothing. Both creations are still there tonight though my snowman's eyes have fallen out giving him a skeletal appearance with empty sockets and the Snail looks a little sad now.....well sadder than when he was first created if I'm honest!
Reading my Blog, I notice that I need to start lightening up my content because otherwise I am going to end up sounding like a whingey complainer who is never happy with his lot and thats not strictly true!! That said I have had feedback from a couple of my fans who know me from the Forums I visit who have commented that they appreciate my frank honesty and that my Blog is apparently "compelling reading!" So I am obviously doing something right if people are enjoying reading my inner most thoughts and observations!! Still I would like this Blog to be a bit lighter in tone but it is hard at mo with all the brown stuff flying around at work at mo- directed mainly towards any fans that happen to be operating at the time! The third chef is defenitely leaving and soon by all accounts- I haven't asked him but did some subtle digging today at work (it is amazing how many people open up to Sparky when he lets on he knows more than he does) and it seems to be common knowledge which is probs why I haven't been told outright; HC probs thinks I already know rather than omitting telling me to keep me out of the loop. This could drop us imn the kitchen right in the poo-poo- I just hope we get a new third chef soon as, that its someone who knows what they're doing and that they're not put off by how busy and manic it is at mo!!
Not getting into today but lets just say we got metaphorically anally violated again by how busy it was. This high turn-over of custom really is a double-edged sword- its good to be busy but we are all busting our balls in the kitchen at mo and it ain't even funny.
Still should be thankful just to have a job I suppose and don't want to apppear selfish but, Jesus -give us a break will ya?
Right no more shop talk.....Sparky's hitting the sack.....nighty nighty all you Sparkettes* out there!! xxxxx
(* A little thank you goes out to NOTBLONDEREALLY for coming up with this pet name for all my fans!! Sparky And The Sparkettes- don't you just love it!!)
Feeling a little frakked off....
So yesterday was not a very nice day-really busy which is a good thing but really relentless. Mrs.Sparky goes to her mums on a saturday and I like to try and get over there on my split shift to see her and Emilie but I didn't get over there yesterday because it wasn't worth it in the time I had, so spent my break in the grotty staffroom reading my book! That kinda annoyed me but then I find out by accident that the Third Chef is leaving; not that that nesecarily bothers me too much, am never really sure how I get on with him sometimes or what he thinks of me, but surely as Sous Chef I oughta be told outright? I only found out because someone made a comment as an aside so that pissed me off as well.
Got home last night and watched CLOVERFIELD again- what an awesome movie. Last time I watched it on the internet so quality wasn't excellent but it is sooo much better on genuine DVD!!!! Very scary even though I had seen it before and I love the way you only ever get glimpses at the creature. For those who have been living in a cave the last year, the film is about 90 minutes long and is home camera footage of what happens when some creature emerges from the depths of the ocean and proceeds to lay waste to Manhattan. It is very tense and symbolic of what it must have been like during 9/11 with lots of people running panicked through the streets, people looting stores and genuinely terrified as they try to fathom out what the smeg is going on. If you haven't seen it you really should.
Just got a message a minute ago from Kate which she sent me last night but which I never got because I had my phone off. (something my other mate Sarah can NEVER understand- I mean just IMAGINE turning your phone off!) It just said she was so drunk and made me chuckle. I like that I get texts like this because it shows that even though we live miles apart, certain people still care enough about you to send you drunken texts! lol! Seriously though, it's nice that we are like proper friends and everything and it cheers me up when I have had a shitty day like yesterday....makes me realise what is more important in life- the bonds we form with our closest friends and the people we love- than just some crummy job!
Quite honestly, frak them! If they don't want to tell me things at work then they can get fucked. It's just a job and to hell and back with the lot of them.....
Sayanora for now from Sparky xxxx
Got home last night and watched CLOVERFIELD again- what an awesome movie. Last time I watched it on the internet so quality wasn't excellent but it is sooo much better on genuine DVD!!!! Very scary even though I had seen it before and I love the way you only ever get glimpses at the creature. For those who have been living in a cave the last year, the film is about 90 minutes long and is home camera footage of what happens when some creature emerges from the depths of the ocean and proceeds to lay waste to Manhattan. It is very tense and symbolic of what it must have been like during 9/11 with lots of people running panicked through the streets, people looting stores and genuinely terrified as they try to fathom out what the smeg is going on. If you haven't seen it you really should.
Just got a message a minute ago from Kate which she sent me last night but which I never got because I had my phone off. (something my other mate Sarah can NEVER understand- I mean just IMAGINE turning your phone off!) It just said she was so drunk and made me chuckle. I like that I get texts like this because it shows that even though we live miles apart, certain people still care enough about you to send you drunken texts! lol! Seriously though, it's nice that we are like proper friends and everything and it cheers me up when I have had a shitty day like yesterday....makes me realise what is more important in life- the bonds we form with our closest friends and the people we love- than just some crummy job!
Quite honestly, frak them! If they don't want to tell me things at work then they can get fucked. It's just a job and to hell and back with the lot of them.....
Sayanora for now from Sparky xxxx
Thursday, 5 February 2009
SNOW WATCH FEB 2009.....
Well, got up this morning to snow but not enough for a snowman and was too wet at any rate. Think the garden must have been soaked because there was more snow out front than there was out back but, seeing as we don't have a front garden per se, kind of just had to sit and watch it all melt away....maybe we'll get some more snow tomorrow and, as not into work until 4, maybe I'll get a chance to build a snowman then but can't see it.....you guys just can't fathom how disappointed I am.....this is like waving Ben and Jerry's ice cream in my face and then whipping it away before I can eat it! I believe the appropiate phrase is.....FRACKSOCKS!
Wednesday, 4 February 2009
Snow fun for Sparky
Just a small update to say that all snow melted so couldn't build a snowman in the end but who knows- we might still get some more this year as IT IS only Febuary!! Oh and I got caught speeding the other week for the second time in about six years and now have to pay £70 and go on a road safety course lasting four hours!! It was very late at night, had just been food shopping after work and obviously wasn't paying attention as I got flashed doing 37 in a 30 mph zone! Not happy and as you can imagine Mrs.Sparky is less than pleased either! STILL WHATS DONE IS DONE AND MUST REMEMBER NOW TO BE MUCH MORE CAREFUL!!!!
Could kick myself but nothing I can do about it now except attend the course! Mind thats another £70 I have to find from somewhere!
Could kick myself but nothing I can do about it now except attend the course! Mind thats another £70 I have to find from somewhere!
Monday, 2 February 2009
Monday moan....
I have felt a tad deflated the last twenty-four hours and think it is because of a number of factors: I had been looking forward to Saturday's trip to Sheffield for weeks and it went by so quickly and there were too many people there for me to speak to anyone other than my closest friends and I know it will be ages before I get to see them again so that has made me a bit sad. Still texted Kate and Sarah today and exchanged some nonsense so that has made me feel a little happier as I know they are always there if I ever fancy a chat and I can always "see" them online. Also got the holiday blues because am back to work today and that sucks- talk about back to reality with a bang!
To be fair, was a bit quieter today at the Hotel than it has been in recent weeks because of the snow- apparently it is the most this country has seen in 18 years which of course meant that today the whole of England came to a standstill. It took me longer than normal to get in to work but by tonight when I came home, it had all gone. We are predicted more snow tonight so hopefully I can build my first snowman of the year in the morning!
Because we are doing a £3.50 carvery deal at the mo, our main competitors have dropped their prices to £2.99 to recoup some of the trade they have lost to us! It's a dog-eat-dog world though that phrase takes on a different meaning when you visit Korea!
There are some very dodgy rumours going round the Hotel at the minute; apparently the owners son has a fair bit of money mortgaged on the Hotel and the banks are allegedly wanting some of the money back! It is alleged that he has said that if he needs to, he could close the two hotels the company owns until this economic climate passes and just survive on the profits on his on-line gambling company that he runs but if that is the case, he wouldn't need the money he has mortgaged on the hotel would he? You see how these rumours don't add up? Still its food for thought as if he did shut the hotel, we would be made redundant and, as I have only been there a couple of years this time around ( I have worked at the same hotel four times in my 17 year career as a chef!) , I wouldn't get any money! It would be the third time I had been made redundant and the third time I didn't get any money because of the shortage of time working somewhere!
Personally I think it is all smoke in the wind but we will see.....sometimes these rumours can come back around to bite you in le derriere!
On a more positive note, I am doing a 12-10 shift tomorrow so if it does snow, will be able to build a snowman!! Fingers crossed..... Sparky xxxx
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Snow.....
Just started to snow...thank god it didn't do that yesterday! Kate and Sarah were talking about snow and I said we wouldn't get any here down south.....me and my big mouth!! Traffic will now be awful in the morning-worse than normal on a monday. Oh well....
A beautiful end to a relaxing holiday....
Yesterday I travelled to Meadowhall in Sheffield to meet some of the people I talk to on the readitswapit forums with Mrs.Sparky and daughter Emilie. It was a great day, though it took 3 hours each way to get there, and got to spend some quality time with some really amazing friends that I have made who are among of the most beautiful people in my life. I finally got to meet a dear friend, Glynis whom I have spoken to for ages online and who is the driving force behind the online bookgroup, Babbling Books. It was as though we already knew each other and she was just as I expected her to be and every bit as genuine and friendly in real-life as she is online. She's had a bad start to the year but, like I told her, that 
just means the rest of the year can only get better! I was also able to catch up with Kate, whose son is three months younger than Emilie and whom we alays joke that Emilie is going to marry when she is older, and my best freind Sarah, whom I absolutely love to bits despite the fact that she always gives me so much stick! We have this great relationship, all four of us, and it was soo great that they could finally meet Mrs.Sparky and that Sarah could get a cuddle with Emilie at last!! It was a really good day though I wasn't that impressed by La Tasca where we ate. There were 21 of us in total yesterday who went to Sheffield to get together and my only criticism was that was a few too many people as I never really got a chance to mingle with any new faces and spent the whole time just catching up with my three bestest friends in all the world! I actually felt quite sad when it was time to go, its been two years since I saw Katie and Sarah last but we have promised each other to not leave it that long before we see each other again! And I really want to see Glynis again too as she is an amazing person- I cannot get over how well we thought we knew each other already!
just means the rest of the year can only get better! I was also able to catch up with Kate, whose son is three months younger than Emilie and whom we alays joke that Emilie is going to marry when she is older, and my best freind Sarah, whom I absolutely love to bits despite the fact that she always gives me so much stick! We have this great relationship, all four of us, and it was soo great that they could finally meet Mrs.Sparky and that Sarah could get a cuddle with Emilie at last!! It was a really good day though I wasn't that impressed by La Tasca where we ate. There were 21 of us in total yesterday who went to Sheffield to get together and my only criticism was that was a few too many people as I never really got a chance to mingle with any new faces and spent the whole time just catching up with my three bestest friends in all the world! I actually felt quite sad when it was time to go, its been two years since I saw Katie and Sarah last but we have promised each other to not leave it that long before we see each other again! And I really want to see Glynis again too as she is an amazing person- I cannot get over how well we thought we knew each other already!We did an anonymous bookswap via a lucky dip between everyone who was there and I got this really emotional tear-jerker of a book about an 11 year old boy dying from lukemia that was actually a much better read than it sounds and was a truly remarkable book! Started it last night when I got in and finished it this morning and I had tears down my face by the end. Truly made me appreciate the fact that my daughter has her health and made me want to pick her up and give her a big hug! It is told from the viewpoint of the boy who is dying and is very well written given the subject matter. The book is called WAYS TO LIVE FOREVER BY SALLY NICHOLLS and I would fully reccommend it to anyone! Especially if you liked THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE NIGHT-TIME BY MARK HADDON which was all about Aspergers syndrome! Nicholls' book is written very much in the same vein.
Overall this has been a nice relaxing week off- monday I took Emilie swimming and the rest of the week has just flown by. I'm really sad that yesterday has come and gone and that tomorrow I will be back at stress-filled work but that is tomorrow! For today, we have a 30th birthday party to go to later so that should be fun! We have done so much together this year already, me and Mrs.Sparky, and we have more to look forward to later as well as we are going away for a wedding in May and spending a week in a cottage with her mum and brother. I think I must be making up for a lacking social life last year as, what with Mrs.Sparky's uncle's sixtieth party, her step-brother's wedding, her mum's xmas party and then this week Sheffield and her best friend's party, there have been very few weekends so far where we have not been doing anything!! I had forgotten what it had been like to be social.....
All for now, will speak to you soon- probably more stessed as I will be back at work! Still, at least I have a job which is more than can be said for some people in this tough economic climate!
Sparkyxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)